Fallen Idealist

Changed Sites

2009-06-21T00:53:00.002-05:00

due to the need to consolodate and simplify my life, i have decided to make a different blog page. (doesn't quite make sense, but oh well... it would be too much to explain)

the new url is: bat-el-mel.blogspot.com

sorry for this inconvenience...

"Holland"

2009-05-16T01:44:00.004-05:00

This may be lame and really anal of me, but when people refer to the Netherlands as "Holland" it really makes me cringe. The cringing may be due to the ball of anger toward their word misuse and desperation to set them straight which develops in my stomach at the use of said term in reference to the Netherlands. It gives me the overwhelming urge to immediately correct this blunder in hopes that they will be more cautious in future uses of this article.

However, I do understand that this is a word which has been widely accepted to mean "the Netherlands" and I can at this point only hope that one day they will realize that these words cannot be used synonymously. Also, I can agree that to say "the Netherlands" is far less efficient to say than simply "Holland", not only because of the syllable difference but also in pronunciation. Having to use -th- every other syllable is quite more taxing on the mouth.

To set the record straight, Holland is merely a province of the Netherlands, which is now split into Noord (North) and Zuid (South) Holland. So if you are going to Amsterdam (which is not an appropriate representation of what the rest of Dutch culture is like-- but that is an entirely separate topic) or Den Haag aka. the Hague then it would be appropriate for you to use "Holland" as your word of description. In contrast, if you are going to refer to the country as a whole, it would be better to use "the Netherlands", seeing that it is the country's actual name.

Anyhow, now that I have that all off my mind, I can go to bed. In the mean time, mind your Ps and Qs...

yay for blogging

2009-03-02T12:23:00.002-06:00

It has been well over a month since I have last written on this blog and I figure it is high time for an update. This past month has been filled with many adventures and accomplishments of sorts, many of which are already known by you steadfast followers of my blog. But I suppose a little repetition never hurt anyone...

January/February involved:
-acceptance to Idaho State University, which means I am currently enduring my final tundra-like winter... this, of course, is just wonderful news
-turning 21 and celebrating with some of my closest friends of all time
-finishing the component of the Aesthetics course which I have been taking... now I am back to a more appropriate amount of homework for a Junior...
-planning and executing a bachelorette party for one of my closest friends... this was a success (according to her)
-receiving and almost completely consuming an entire 4 lb. jar of Jelly Bellies
-coming to several conclusions as to how I feel about current situations and learning how to engage properly in those situations
-speaking of engaging... engaging cultures is quite possibly one of my favorite (theology) classes I have taken during my career here at Dordt College-- that and major world religions
-on the other hand... Gen 300 has shown itself to be quite frustrating at times, despite the relevance of the topics
-I have come to the life altering realization that hot apple cider really isn't all that bad

Those are the highlights of the last month and a half, and here's a preview of my month (or so) to come:
-Piper's wedding (this Friday, in fact, is when I have to leave for that)
-spring break... which means I will be going to Mecca (otherwise known as Grand Rapids) to meet some more of Paul's fam and visit some of my friends at Calvin
-WiSE day... yeah...
-in general, getting things finished up to complete my transfer to Idaho State

Hope you all found this incredibly fascinating and inciteful. Love to all and keep up the good work! Peace out!

A lesson in humility to myself...

2009-01-07T00:23:00.002-06:00

What should I do if I have nothing to say, but would like to say something anyway? Or if I do have something to say, but don't feel anybody cares about it as much as I do? or finds me silly for saying such things? or criticizes how I write or what I think? maybe outright or perhaps just in their heart and mind...

For the last few months I have found it difficult to be willing to say anything on my blog because of these thoughts. I don't like being criticized and I don't like thinking people may find those things silly. For some reason, I feel that some people won't be able to overcome their point-of-view or background in order to listen to what I truly have to say (not that it is always important). I suppose that being surrounded by elitists (or who I perceive to be elitist) at times has made a bit gunshy and uncertain about anything I think or feel.

One of the worst feelings in the world, in my opinion, is feeling as though you are being looked down upon or that you aren't good enough to be in the presence of some people. Its almost as though, if you do not reach a certain level of perfection in those areas you aren't even worth the time-of-day so to speak. How horrible that people treat one another in such an uncaring way. Like their thoughts and views on major (or minor) issues are invalid because they don't line up with yours. Like their grammatical errors make them less worth listening to. Like their not even a human being.

The saddest thing about this, is that I see myself doing the same to other people. Act as though I am better than they are and they have nothing to offer the world, much less me. I let the smallest things form my view of a person, and based on those stupid notions, I cast my judgment on them rendering them worthy or not. How abominable.

Lately I have taken to reminding myself of the verse out of Phillipians:
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."

I wish I could apologize to all the people whom I have judged like this, but perhaps it would be better to simply apply this passage in hopes of reconciling those thoughts and seeing the person for who they truly are and who God made them to be, regardless of what I think about it.

Well this has turned out completely differently than I first intended, but that's alright. Hopefully I will be blogging a bit more in the future, but we shall see about that. Until that next time... wear your snow shoes and feed your dog team...

Blogging

2008-12-31T00:03:00.002-06:00

It has been a terribly long time since I had blogged last. It has been an even longer time since I had blogged on a regular basis. Sorry folks, but for some reason there is nothing really to complain or talk about. And if there were, its probably better to complain or talk about it with people.... Not that you faithful readers out there aren't people, but I think you get the picture. But regardless...

The truth is I have tried to blog in the past, but I never end up publishing those blogs. Believe me, if you saw how many drafts I have saved, you might just wonder why I try to blog at all. There are a multitude of reasons I could give as to why those are there, but it has a lot to do with me deciding its nothing worth reading about or having other people worry about.

Anyway... I am doing well. Life still has its road blocks and speed bumps, but I manage to find my way around. There are plenty of people to help me through those things, and I am very grateful for them all. Things with schooling are rather up in the air at this time. As of now, I am going to finish out my junior year at Dordt, but only the Lord knows what will be decided in this upcoming semester.

This upcoming semester in itself should be very exciting and present new challenges and adventures for me to enjoy or conquer. I will be in 4 biology classes and 2 bio labs, planning a few fun events, being part of a wedding, and finding time to spend with people just to relax. Some people are coming back and some people are leaving or moving away. And most importantly, there will be no breaks until a third of the way through March. There are a few things that are certain at this point, as for the rest, I leave it up to God and his guiding power.

Thank you all for caring enough about me to check in and see how things are going. I hope you have an eventful New Year! Until next time, practice fire safety while playing with fireworks...

Time for Round Three:

2008-11-07T12:51:00.005-06:00

In an instance we have all been grasped from the inviting warmth of an Indian summer and cruelly clutched by the icy vise of winter's wrath. Not but a few days ago were we outside lolling in the sun's delightful rays without a care as to when winter would arrive. Now we retreat from the outdoors as quickly and cautiously as possible, as to avoid further exposure from the elements.

This is now a time for changes to be made, transitions in one's lifestyle in order for survival and minimal angst. To begin simply, a change in attire is required for those who would prefer not freeze whilst making a trek from point A to point B. I myself tend to wear leggings under my jeans, and tucked into my knee-high tube socks, with a camisole tucked also into my leggings, underneath a long sleeved shirt. This is only my basic and most essential layer. Then of course you add the boots for footwear (chique and functional), a scarf, mittens and hat for thermal preservation and to top it off, a long wool coat. Yes, this is the only way I have been able to survive the past few winters I have spent here.

Next thing to change is the way one plans their day. For those who have not lived further than a stones throw away from the Campus Center or Classroom Building, will soon learn how to meticulously plan out their day so that time spent in the cold is cut down to a minimum. Lists usually help if you're not good at mentally planning things out.

Finally, as the ice begins to form on the ground people begin to change their approach to walking outside. Steps become lighter while synchronously their speed becomes quicker. The lightness of step is key as to avoid a potentially very embarrassing blunder on the ice. Despite my own attempts to maintain the "lightness of step", I have fallen a grand total of six times during my career here at Dordt. These usually occurred while descending hills, but I hope to make an improvement on my record this year.

Well, I believe it is time to cease these ramblings and to get over the fact that this deluge of snow, wind and ice will not desist until late April. Adieu fair weather pleasures...

One Word:

2008-10-26T18:53:00.000-05:00

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...............

It's been a while...

2008-10-20T12:39:00.002-05:00

Life has been good so far this school year. As of now, its been one of the least stressful and most pleasurable semesters since the beginning of my college career. Admittedly, at the beginning of year, I wasn't all that excited to be back, nor did I feel mentally prepared for the tasks that needed to be accomplished. But since Tri-state has come and gone, I have been able to get the rest I need and things I wanted to accomplish finished in order to feel the level of preparedness that I normally like to feel in order to function normally.

That being said, I am not at all suggesting that this semester has come with its fair share of stresses. For instance, I already have freaked out about both of my science classes and the major fear that they will not go well. Tied to this, is the fear of the possibility of me not getting into the desired Medical Technology program next year. Another difficult thing to overcome has simply been able to find a rhythm to my day and my week. This is largely due to the adjustment of apartment living, but it finally seems to be settling down.

Taking all this into account, yes there have been good times so far and yes there have been highly stressful situations so far, but on the whole, I feel enormously blessed with the entire year. It has not only been academically rewarding, but even more spiritually rewarding. It is easy to look forward to what the next day may bring, the challenges which may be presented, the fellowship which may be enjoyed, and the simple moments where all that can be done is sit in awe of how amazing life is despite its many, many drawbacks. A lot of the time, it is still difficult to remain upbeat about the state of this world and how its being run, but to choose to enjoy the junctures that make this life worth living is enough to balance it out.

Well... now it is time to stop blogging and to start doing other more productive things with my day. Tot de volgende keer!

For the love of phospholipids and the like...

2008-09-26T10:11:00.005-05:00

For those of you who do not know, phospholipids are the molecules which from the membranes of the cells of which compose our bodies (as well as many other things). A phospholipid is composed of two fatty acids (a fatty acid is a hydrocarbon with an alcohol group attached) and a phosphogroup. The phosphogroup is considered the head of the molecule and it is hydrophilic, while the fatty acid chains are hydrophobic. Multiple phospholipids, when they come together, align themselves up head-to-head and chain-to-chain forming a sort of layer. If you get enough of these together, a cell membrane will form.

All of this is being said, because, for one, I have been learning a lot about them lately and for two, its simply amazing how something that seems so simple is quite complex and takes many circumstances and processes in order to take place. Now this sort of discovery has occurred within only the past few centuries, but have existed for millenia. So you tell me, if we were meant to have evolved by our own accord over many billions of years, knowing what we need to do to ourselves in order to survive, how is it that we only just figured this out about ourselves? This is probably a stupid question, but how exactly did an atom know that it would need electrons, neutrons and protons in order to function properly? Or that an oxygen knew that it would need hydrogen in order to form the life sustaining liquid dihydrogen monoxide (aka. water)?

Another thought, if one believes the first law of thermodynamics to be true (that matter can neither be created, nor destroyed), how can you prove that something just exploded into existence?

It just seems to me, that for beings that had to use some sort of intelligence (or innate ability) in order to evolve into the vastly superior beings which we are, it take many years of research in order even somewhat understand the basics which support the existence of life. Perhaps I am just rambling incoherently, but this theory seems like a poorly constructed argument in order to explain away the existence of something superior to ourselves. Just a thought...

Well... that's enough thinking for a Sunday. Be diligent and diligently be...

Life is just speeding past...

2008-09-22T22:45:00.006-05:00

I thought that the summer went by quickly, but man is this semester just flying by. It's weird that I feel like I am still trying to find a sort of routine at this point. Seriously, it has been over a month now. Crazy huh?

People always say, in one form or another, to capture the moment or to seize the day, but how does one exactly do that when every moment of every day has to be planned out in order to provide maximum efficiency? By the time things have finally settled down in the evening, its time to go to bed. And not only are days planned out to the nines, but weeks tend to be the regular routine with which the daily routines settle into. It is near impossible to simply think about one day at a time if one wants to be able to get things done in a timely fashion.

Its simply mind-boggling how fast the time passes by...

Other then this, life is going splendidly well, despite a few hiccoughs along the way. Having the roommates that I do and the people that I love supporting me, has been such a blessing. Not only that, but somehow I am managing to stay on top of everything, while at the same time maintaining the friendships and relationship that I am a part of (which isn't usually a problem, but sometimes I just scare myself into time management). After my first round of tests in a couple of my classes, I feel a bit more confident about the outcome of this semester.

In general, I am content and happy with how things are going (if you didn't get that from the last paragraph). Yup! So, peace out!

...and the rest came...

2008-08-09T11:42:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was a relieving day of sorts. Improvement was seen as well as a form of acceptance that I never expected to come. And the most beautiful part about it was that I didn't need to do a thing, but just listen to what she had to say. I know it's not going to be easy, but I have a feeling that it may go better this time around.

Why can't I find the rest I need?

2008-08-08T01:50:00.002-05:00

This is going to be another sleepless night. My body is tired, but my thoughts keep on running wild. Why the hell is this bothering me so much? It's just one of those situations where you can't bear to not do something because of what may happen, but a the same time can't figure out what to do. I am so impatient for the answer that I am seeking from the Lord.

Why does this keep on going? How would something like this play into God's perfect plan?

There are so many different ways it is playing out in my head, yet I feel like the outcome would be the same everytime. Why do I get the feeling that it would be like talking to a wall? A wall that feels like no one friggin' understands what's going on and continues to dwell on it no matter what people say? People have been talking to this wall for quite some time now, but nothing helps.

I suppose the reason why I am losing sleep is because I am trying to figure out a sure-fire way to reach into someone's soul and shake it awake. To spark some conviction to change these habits. To show how silly all of this is.

But I can't do a thing, because it has to come from within... There it is. The realization that I can't do one thing to make a difference, only God can do that. Only God knows all the workings of the human heart. Only God can tear down that wall that so many people have attempted to break.

This is one of those moments when you realize how feeble we are as human beings. How little we can do without the grace of God. I know from my own life that I have no strength to stand up on my own. This, of course, is also one of those times where you recognize that only individuals can understand that when they see it in their own lives. You may believe me when I say it, but until, in your own time, you truly see it for yourself, you won't really believe me. I'll just be one of those people that "preaches" at you.

Well, whatever this is, it is by no means a sermon. Just someone letting out the thoughts that are preventing them from resting peacefully.

Lord, what do I do?

2008-08-07T13:27:00.003-05:00

How can one effectively help a friend that has been wallowing in their despair for far too long? Perhaps I cannot be the judge of what is "too long", but isn't it a sign when the rest of the people that were affected by the same situation have moved on long ago? When they begin to forget the dates and yet your year revolves around that particularly tragic day?

It has been old for a while, but I thought they were getting over it. That sounds quite heartless, but it's wearing me and my sympathy thin. I want to continue to show sympathy and understanding, but is it too much at this point? Is it time for someone to say in a firm but friendly tone that this has gone on for so long that it is quite ridiculous? I know that I do not understand what they are going through, but heck, who can fully understand what anyone is going through?

Chances are that they think that my loss doesn't compare to theirs and therefore I have no right to say anything. There is still so much bitterness and anger, making it difficult to try to reach out.

Then there is the complaint that everyone knows what kind of problems they are facing. But how can they help that they know when you tell everyone and set yourself up for those kind of situations?

So as you can see, there is quite a predicament. Maybe I should just not say anything. If I should say something, what should I say? Yeah... I am quite at a loss for words at this point.....

Back from the edge of the world...

2008-07-27T13:36:00.005-05:00

I know that all you faithful readers have been thinking that I have fallen off the face of the earth, but in reality, I only went to the edge of the world, and sadly that involves not much time to keep all of you updated on life's happenings. But now I am back and everyone can be happy again.

Europe was amazingly fun and very busy. We did pretty much everything possible in the span of three weeks and then my family chose to pick up where we left off. Our days consisted of waking up and having class by 9 until whenever. Then we would pack our lunches and go on an excursion to do some field learning, like going to the Rijks Museum after learning about Rembrandt in class.

Depending on the day and the traffic we would on average get back to our mansion at around 9 in the evening, and would then have to make dinner. We would make dinner in pairs and each pair had an assigned day to make dinner. It worked out quite nicely, actually.

After dinner and dessert (about 10) we then had to do the assigned reading for the next day, write a journal entry, and add to our Dutch word log (which by the end had to have 100 words). The next day would start the cycle again.

Thursday was the day that marked the beginning of our weekend. So after our appointed excursion on Thursdays we went abroad in Europe. For our first weekend we took the ferry from the coast of Calais in France to the coast of Dover in England. We then drove to London and hung out there until Saturday, when after the Phantom of the Opera we returned back to the Netherlands.

The second weekend we first went down to Normandy and spent Independence day looking at the beaches from D-day and also visited the American Cemetary in Colleville Sur Mer.

The next day we attempted to see all the major site in Paris (not going in any of them), which for the most part was successful, but involved a lot of walking and Metro riding.

As for the weather, it was mostly beautiful and sunny and warm, but toward the end it cooled off and started to rain a bit more... which was unfortunate, especially when I was with the family.

Yes, I am glad to be back home, because as "good" as I may be at speaking Dutch, it becomes difficult when you trully want to express yourself. Plus, I really enjoy having unlimited access to the internet and my cell phone simply for keeping in touch with people. I do miss being there though, and this time around felt like I missed out and am missing out on a lot of things because we moved here. But yet, I remain grateful for the life that God has given me here.

So that is it for now. If you have any questions, you know where to find me or at least how to contact me. Until next time, be friendly to your stewardesses...

3.5 days left to prepare

2008-06-12T18:17:00.002-05:00

Yup, in three and a half days I will be flying over the U.S., Canada, the Atlantic, the UK and other random countries that may be in the way... perhaps even Greenland. It will be 5 weeks until I return home once again. Of course there are certain hopes and wants that I have for this time in the Netherlands, as well as reservations.

Here is the basic outline of my visit:
June 16- fly out
June 17- land
June 20- start program
July 11- finish program
July 22- fly back
July 23- land

During this time I will be spending money, rather then earning/saving it, I will be out of verbal communication with the people I love and care about and have limited Internet communication, I will be working on bettering my language skills, I will be spending a day in Paris and a weekend in London as well as travelling all over the Netherlands, I will be spending time with family I never get to see and I will be taking a ton of pictures, thanks to my new camera.

But to get to that point, I have a lot of things I need to do here, and very little time to do it in. Also very little memory to retain all of those items on my list. Oh yes...

Also, my family is currently in Canada, so I won't be able to get some of the things that I really need until the day before I go. But oh well, it is all in God's hands, I just need to remember to take advantage of my spare time and get things done.

Well, I hope all of you readers out there are doing well and enjoying summer weather (which for some reason doesn't want to appear here...) So until the next time... live long and prosper.

Conversation with Anna

2008-05-31T21:46:00.006-05:00

As I was sitting with one of my very good friends at a picnic table during a graduation party, low and behold, one of my favorite high school teachers came sauntering by along the street where this house was. Both my friend and myself became rather excited and I am sure we both shared the same feeling, but also overjoyed when she joined us at the table. Before going any further, some background is required.

Anna Simpson was the high school choir director for my sophomore through senior year. I somehow even managed to get into the auditioned women's choir, Ars Pristina, my junior year and remained in it through my senior year. This was one of my absolute favorite classes, especially when I was in Ars Pristina. It allowed me and 15 other girls to work hard at our music while having a fun time with one another. Also, Anna was the person to introduce this class to our school. She also developed a Jazz Combo and since I have left, a men's choir named Mirth. Everyone who is in her class, especially her auditioned classes work really hard for her, and always feel like shit when they've let her down. And though she developed a lot of musical classes, she also, within those classes helped the music programs develop a larger repertoire as opposed to years past, when simple English songs were all that we sang, gave us some musical history (which also never happened before), added two concerts to the year, added a fund raiser Variety Show, and brings the choirs and bands on tour, not to Seattle (which is wonderful), but to Disney Land and other great music festivals.

As a person, she is very understanding of and sympathetic to people and is easily approachable and wonderful to talk to. While in Ars Pristina, there were many great conversations that took place, prayer concerns shared with honest sincerity, and laughs and giggles vocalized. We even had a day where all we did was learn different dances. It was a safe haven and a wonderful way to end the day.

So today, the three of us were slightly catching up on the happenings in our lives, but also discussing the differences between college and high school, how boys actually communicate and how it is difficult for people to be understanding of one another, which is what leads to cliques. Though the first topic is pretty well understood amongst most college aged people and the second is one that only girls should discuss with one another (though she had some very interesting observations...), the third is what sticks with me.

People are people and should be treated as such, was the main gist of this conversation. But the tendencies of our human nature are to be exclusive and not understanding. This is a painful reality when one realizes it and takes it to heart. I realize that I talk about this a lot, but that must mean it is something that affects me a lot. Then we talked about even though our human nature tends to be this way, it is through grace that we are going to be able to overcome this and be more inclusive. Christ was the premium example of this; he, through his grace, brought all of the outcasts to him. The people who were in the "in" crowd, such as the wealthy, the religious leaders, etc. were more 'out casted' by Christ, if that can be said, because of this. They were cold to the people that he drew near. And when we read in the Scriptures, I know I grow upset with those people and ask, "how could they be that way to other people?" Then yes, the realization sets in, followed by shame.

Anna told us that her husband grew up in a church that was rather large and tended to have cliques, but that his father, as the pastor, was never really apart of that. He was the person who brought the outcasts together in his home. They housed foster children and invited the 'stranger' people of the congregation over for gatherings. As a result of growing up in this kind of environment, her husband was willing to be friends with anyone at school and beyond that point. He was able to see them as people and not put them into stereotyped groups. That got me to thinking about how I would want my children to be raised. I would want them to be able to see people as people, and not as unapproachable because of one thing or another. I would want them to love people for who they were on the inside, not because of material or outer things. It is painful to think about all the opportunities that I have had during my life where I could reach out to someone, but let the opportunity pass because of what labels I would be associating myself with. I don't want my children to have that feeling, but this would mean that I would have to show them through my own life and actions, which is easier said then done.

So anyhow, this got really long. And as you can see, I am still working on stuff that I have been thinking about and struggling with for months. Until next time, pay your bills and drive sparingly... Peace out.

Benefits of learning a not-so-common language...

2008-05-26T17:24:00.008-05:00

If you guys are looking for something that is fun to do... pick up another language that does not include Spanish or French. It is absolutely wonderful to listen to and speak with people in a language not many people understand.

First off, you can pretty much say anything about anyone and it doesn't matter, because no one else understands what you are saying. This happens a fair bit when my family from the Netherlands comes over for a bit. Oh what fun... though I do sort of feel bad for those people who have no idea what is going on.

Secondly, sort of in addition to the previous point, you can say all of the inappropriate things that would be considered uncouth in your homeland. For example, today at Boondocks my Opa said he needed to go to the "pisbak". Look it up, if you can, you may get a giggle, because my family sure did.

Finally, there is the simple joy of being able to speak a particular language, and if ever you reach the country of it's 'origin' you will be able to converse with the local people, even if it is not as fluent as you like. Also, you will be able to find your way around a bit easier than one who does not speak the language.

Well, these are only a few of the benefits of learning a not-so-common language, but they pretty much are the bones to the skeleton. Hopefully, from this very commercial blog, you will begin to work on a language (other than French or Spanish, which too have there benefits) and will be able to understand what I mean by these three points.

As sure as the sun sets in the west and the moon rises in the east... Peace out!

Update:

2008-05-20T19:10:00.006-05:00

Now I am home and have been for about a week and a half. The Monday after I got home, I started to work once again at Pazzles. No break for me this time, I've got to make some money. It sucks to have that kind of pressure. Working at Pazzles isn't as awful as I imagined it would be. Despite the fact that I don't particularly enjoy production, the people there are what make it worth while.

Pete is our repair tech that immigrated over from Hungary during his early teen years. He's quite funny and has some interesting tattoos. He pretty much helps brighten up my day whenever he's around.

Lisa is our... I don't quite know... but she does a lot. She too is an emigrant and is from England. She is my primary source for figuring out what I should do or make, but I believe there will be a new person coming in this week that will start doing that. She too is quite hilarious and doesn't take herself too seriously, which at this job, you shouldn't.

Tatum is a sweetheart and quite opinionated. She's quite an interesting person to be with and has a good sense of humor. I believe she takes technical support calls and does other random things like print stuff for me or whoever.

Amanda, who used to babysit me, is just funny and amazing and gets herself into situations where people tend to make fun of her. She does it all by herself too. She gets the job of working with the design team and basically decides what supplies they get to use for whatever craft projects they have planned. I think she also helps with the choosing of the theme.

These are only a few of the people who help make my workday by giving me a giggle or two. Its because of the office dynamic that we are all able to do our jobs and maintain a level of sanity, because it sure as the sky is blue is not because of the nagging customers.

But anyway... enough about work...

My grandparents from the Netherlands are here. They actually arrived the Thursday after I got home, so now I am sleeping in the guest room and they are in my bedroom. There is a simple explanation for why they aren't sleeping in the guest room... my oma had hip replacement surgery about 7 months ago and is not able to get out of the bed in that room as easily as she is able to get out of my bed. So my mom kicked me out for the five weeks of their visit. Funny thing is, I leave for the Netherlands 2 days before they do, so I will not be reunited with my own bed until almost the end of July. Sad story, I know, but its for a good cause.

Also, just Sunday I got to hang out with my friend KT for a couple hours. It was so nice to talk with her in person once more. While we were hanging out, I realized that we are quite scarily similar despite our differences. It was really cool.

I'm looking forward to happenings in the next couple weeks. For instance, next Wednesday, Walhof is driving through and said he would give me a call once he arrived at Jeremiah's. I'm pretty stoked to see him again. Then the Wednesday after that Paul is coming to town for a week. I guess I'm stoked to see him too. And then the Monday after he leaves I will be taking off for the Netherlands and get to hang out with 7 more Dordt people and an amazing professor. It will be nice to see people from school during the summer as opposed to having nearly 4 months of absence.

So yeah... despite the frustrations of becoming part of a family unit once again, there are many things that are coming to help keep me sane. I love my family dearly, but coming back with the combined stress of not being in my own room has been having its tole on me. Oh well...

In conclusion, things are going well here and I am still alive and kicking. Hopefully I will not wait this long to write another blog... sorry... Its not like I haven't tried to write, I just couldn't figure anything out to write about... Anyway...

Until next time... water your flowers and feed your dogs.

This is for those of you who think I have completely forgotten about blogging...

2008-05-06T19:47:00.002-05:00

Well I have news for you, I haven't. Lately, whenever I open the blog-writing-window, nothing comes to mind for me to write about, and since I haven't been too keen on writing about what I feel may be complete nonsense, I have simply not written. Sorry, from the bottom of my heart.

However, now I am giving myself about 8 more minutes to write some quick things down before I go and study for 3 hours for my final test. It has sort of been a flustered past couple days, just trying to plan out when to study, when to pack, when to clean, and when to simply spend time with friends. Well now the walls of my dorm are bare, two boxes are in storage and one test remains. Fortunately, having done well enough in my classes, none of these tests are stressing me out to an unbearable point, giving me the chance to do things I must.

Tomorrow, after my final, will be devoted to the packing and cleaning of the remainder of the dorm. We are technically going to check out tomorrow at 11 am, which I do not necessarily understand why so soon, because I sure don't have time to prepare. But anyway, the fact still lies.

It's bitter-sweet to be doing all of these things. Yes, it will be nice to go home for the summer and work and go on vacation and such, but at the same time... I am going to miss people. Although, at this point in the year, it will be nice to get away from all the things that have been happening, and simply reflect on them. Oh yes, reflection is wonderful.

Good news!!! I got my summer job back, which is amazing and wonderful, because that means I can earn money for my trip and tuition. YAY!

Well, time's up! Hope all of you have a blessed rest of your week. Tune in next time and don't forget to tip your waiters!

In Search of a Train of Thought

2008-04-27T20:54:00.005-05:00

It has been a long time since I have written anything on this blog, and now it is high time to do so. Part of the blame for this grand pause from blogging can be given to the fact that my brain just can't seem to organize any specific thoughts in a coherent matter. Even now, as I am writing, it is difficult for me to focus on a topic that I may or may not care about. It's very frustrating really, but hopefully once classes and finals are finished I will be able to push around some things in my head to make room for a train of thought.

So for the past three days the major project that has taken up homework time is the Major World Religions paper which is due tomorrow. Yippee! I've got nine pages done and now just need to fill in the cracks that I have left and write an introduction/thesis and conclusion. Let's hope that it takes me at least three pages to do this.

I absolutely love to walk barefooted on lucious, green grass. It is perhaps one of the best feeling in the world. Taking walks in general is a favorite pastime of mine. There's just so much in God's creation that we are meant to enjoy, so why don't I do this more often...? search me... Actually, that was part of reason why I found the poem in the previous blog. Observing people walking [and by walking, I mean basically jogging] to and fro from East Campus/Covenant/Southview makes me wonder why exactly they are walking so fast. Sure, some of them may be running late or whatever, but some people regularly walk fast from place to place, and it makes me wonder if they are seeing the world around them and taking the time to enjoy it, or are they just really focused on getting to wherever they are going. It's really none of my business, but it makes me not want to be like that.

So yeah, this won't show on the time that I posted, but I took a two hour break from writing on this blog and currently don't have anything else to say. Peace out!

"Be Mindful of the Moment"

2008-04-15T14:56:00.005-05:00

The here and now is all we hold through times of joy and sorrow.
We may watch fulsome years unfold -- or may not see tomorrow.
Be mindful of the moment. Pay attention to each one.
The past has fled beyond our grasp, the future’s yet to come.

There is no way to measure what ensuing days might bring,
So seize the utmost pleasure found in every daily thing.
The road of life is far too short: no need to travel fast.
Investigate the wonders that lie strewn along the path.

The tender leaves on springtime trees, rough pebbles on the ground,
The snowflakes drifting on the breeze that fall without a sound,
Are all unique and precious, if we take the time to see.
No two have been identical in all eternity.

Is this not true of people too? Be mindful, then, of each.
Both strangers and those close to you have useful things to teach.
The two of us part richer if we pass the time of day,
And don’t just brush each other off, then hurry on our way.

Preoccupied by urgent schemes of business, love or power,
By gambling on our future dreams, we lose the present hour.
A life is forged of moments linked together like a chain.
Live each in full -- for down this road we shall not pass again.

-Neil Harding McAlister

I hope you actually take the time to read this poem, because I think it says it all. A lot of what I have been feeling and thinking about as of late. Especially walking from class to class, talking with one person or another, and just sitting in a chair.

P.S.

2008-04-14T14:11:00.001-05:00

The previous post was not meant to be depressing. And yes, I do realize that people are going to be busy all summer doing things and what-not... :) YUP!

Just a thought...

2008-04-14T14:03:00.004-05:00

The busyness of this time of year seems to get to everyone. Despite the crunch that the last few weeks puts on people, there's a serious lack of motivation from everyone that I talk to... or at least some level of unmotivation. It also seems to be putting the strain on relationships and such... everything is winding down and needs to get done (especially after months of procrastination) that the things that matter outside of schoolwork tend to take the back-burner. There's no time to listen to one another, there's no time to connect, there's no time to stay in touch, there's simply no time. It's hard to see this happening, especially right before everyone leaves for the summer. I think the hardest thing for me will be separated for three and a half months without seeing the people that I love, and then coming back to hear all of the fun stories of the times that they had together. I'm really not looking forward to it. Maybe I'm just being dramatic, because I love being home, but I want people to be able to see my home also. It's just so far away... Anyway... enough of this, time to do more school work.

Pensivity

2008-04-06T12:39:00.003-05:00

Lately I have been feeling rather withdrawn from people, especially on the weekends. Basically I would rather just sit and enjoy company with one or two people rather than be in a large group of people. Today, I would rather just be by myself for the entire day. Also, I've decided that I would like to be home right now. It's been a while since I have felt this way, but I really miss it and the people there. It may also be difficult for me right now because I want the people here to know the people I know, or at the very least to meet them. Even though the only family I have there is my mom and brothers, I have a huge church family that I would really like to see. It's also hard because I am missing two of my best friends from back home.

Anyway... about one more month to go...

...for all the things that have been needing to get done...

2008-04-01T14:59:00.002-05:00

Hands down, one of the best smells in the world is the smell of fresh laundry drying with the window open on a Spring day. Oh yeah... Finally, after putting it off and putting it off, I did my rather large pile of laundry. I HAVE CLEAN CLOTHES AGAIN!!! Though, there is still 2 loads in the dryer down stairs and all the rest is currently drying, but by tomorrow, I should have options again. [I like my options, especially when it comes to clothing]

So far today, no homework has been attempted... now before you get on my case about it, I have been up since 9 am, which is an accomplishment since I don't have any classes today. Not that any of you would be interested in this, but the following is a list of how my day has gone so far:

-shower and get ready [Covenant]
-medical terminology test (which I passed) [Science Building]
-breakfast [the Grille]
-health services [Covenant]
-leave to drop off time card while they got my paperwork together [Southview]
-health services made sure I was healthy enough to travel [Covenant]
-turn in organic chemistry assignment [Science Building]
-lunch [Commons]
-visit with Piper for 30 min. [East Hall]
-write a check and borrow Renae's bike [Covenant]
-cash check [Business Office]
-fill bike tires [Maintenance]
-do laundry and clean pile of dishes [Covenant]

...and now I am doing this. YAY!!! So it has been quite a productive day despite the lack of homework-getting-done... but the day is still young, so more is to be accomplished... Granted, I could have consolidated some of my walking by planning ahead, but I really don't mind the walk/ride.

Now, I am going to check on my laundry downstairs and hopefully after putting it away get started on some homework... :) Good thing nothing is due tomorrow. :D

Let It Go

2008-03-31T15:04:00.002-05:00

*inhale*

Today I have come to the conclusion that I need to let it go. What "it" is are just a number of different things (situations) that have been building up inside of me these past few months. It's tiring to hold on to, and quite useless at this point.

So... time to let it go...

the anger...
the frustration...
the hurt...
the resentment...
the confusion...
the past...

It's old, and it needs to end. If I keep on holding on to the afore mentioned feelings, it's going to eat up any of the relationships that I am in, or so it seems. Yeah, people tolerate it, but it needs to end now. It needs to stop being brought up. It needs to be let go.

and...

*exhale*

thoughts over leftovers, chocolate and tea

2008-03-29T13:37:00.004-05:00

Things that bother me a little bit:
~people tearing other people down/apart behind their backs
~people not being content with what they have, where they are and who they were made to be
~not knowing what to think about things
~short-sightedness
~seeing that I am this way too

Things I am working on:
~finding the good/joy in little things and focusing on that instead of the negative
~being more understanding of the difficulties people face
~not letting the wrong things get to me
~being more consistent

Things I realize:
~that I will fail at the above from time-to-time
~that I shouldn't let those failures get to me
~that I shouldn't let past experiences discourage me, but instead let them guide me
~life sucks for everyone at times

Things that I love:
~leftovers
~chocolate
~tea
~the above all at once
~sunshine
~thunderstorms
~playing in the thunderstorms late at night
~being held
~people

Things to do in the near future:
~laundry
~dishes
~visit Health Services (for Gen 253)
~homework
~buy my bro's birthday present

I keep on coming back to this point:

2008-03-26T18:40:00.002-05:00

What is it that makes me hesitate from showing that I care for other people? All people? There's something that holds me back. It's ok if it's someone that I'm comfortable with, someone that I can easily talk to and not feel awkward around. Seems to me that it's a fear that some people will expect things out of me that I won't be willing to give more than once, more than that one time that I should step outside of my comfort zone and show a person that I care, and that they are wanted and loved.

It's hard to love freely. Again I am staring into the faces of God's beloved children who are hurting or alone and refusing to give them love that all people should feel. Something is holding me back. Part of it may simply be fear of hurting them worse when I can't give them that love whenever they need it. Another part of me hopes someone else will take up the burden that I feel in doing this so that I won't have to go through with it.

How awful, right?!

It's heartbreaking to see hurt from rejection in the eyes of these people. It's even harder to put myself in the position that would be willing to reach out to them. People need people, no matter who the person is. It's one thing if they decide seclusion for themselves, it's another if it is thrust upon them by the very people who claim to be in a community, a Christian community at that.

Christ himself brought those rejected people into a community. It may be very obvious, but the very root of the word "Christian" is Christ, which means we should be doing what Christ did, right?!

Then why is it so hard? and frustrating? and angering?

*sigh*

Of course... human-nature...

But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. And that doesn't mean I should give up on doing such things, even if it is difficult and against everything I want to do.

Boy, I wish things like this were so much more simple...

Feelings and Thoughts as of Late:

2008-03-25T15:49:00.003-05:00

...spring break was quite wonderful, and I really can't ask for it to have gone anymore perfectly...

...getting back into the swing of things at school is pretty difficult, but necessary... only 7 weeks left!...

...perhaps I should get started on writing that paper...

...there is a lot to do before the summer starts...

...despite the business to come, I feel very relaxed and ready to take things in stride...

...I am happy (not that I wasn't before...)...

...it is quite a sad day when you can see the bottom of your Jelly Belly container...

...Death Cab for Cutie's Plans album is one of the best albums ever...

...worrying about what people may think is quite exhausting and really not worth it...

...walking around outside with only the use of a sweatshirt to block the cold is a wonderful feeling...

...to use a cliche: BRING IT ON LIFE!!!...

..."love is watching someone die"...

Magical Walks, Hindu Talks and a Question Mark Remains

2008-03-16T12:58:00.003-05:00

Somewhat by myself in a somewhat dark room... I purposefully did this. Spring break so far has been exactly what I needed. It's not so much time to think as it is time to be. Time to be at peace with life, time to be with people I care about, time to be away from the stresses of every-day college life.

We (Alvin, Joel, and I) went to a national park a couple days ago. The place put me under this spell that I think is still somewhat affecting me. There were so many feelings and thoughts running through my head. I felt like a child and was fantasizing about being a wood nymph, and imagined seeing little gnomes and fairies playing in the trees, puddles, snow and ice. I realized that I was looking at the ground a majority of the time, but this wasn't out of depression or whatever, it's just that the ground was so intriguing. (This is perhaps the first time in a while that I have been ok with looking at the ground.) It made me feel close to the earth, feel short, feel like I did so long ago as a child back home in one of the parks or the mountains. I felt so at home, even though home is miles and miles away; it was wonderful. Also, I couldn't help but relate this nice little walk to a journey of sorts, a journey where I didn't want to look back for fear of seeing it as less magical than what it was, and because of that, I didn't look behind me, I didn't try to relive a particular moment or feeling, I just let it be what it was and enjoyed the quiet moments I had to myself in the park. I would call our trip to the park a silent retreat of sorts. No one felt a need to talk to anyone, and everyone was ok with going their own way and keeping space from one another.

Later that evening, we all went to downtown Des Moines and walked around for almost 2 hours. It was nice. It made me realize that there's a certain dynamic to our group, at least from my point of view. We're all ok with doing whatever the other person wants to do. I don't recall having that with past travelling experiences. It's quite nice.

Yesterday we went to a Hindu temple. It was amazing and the temple was absolutely beautiful. It's also cool because the three of us are all in the same World Religions course, which had gone over Hinduism at the beginning of the semester. It's sort of funny, because they have all of these shrines to various gods, but they believe that all the gods are the same god, just reincarnated in multiple different ways. So here's the ultimate question: are Hindus monotheistic or polytheistic? I'm still trying to figure that one out, and I suppose it's all up to personal interpretation of what they believe (which we could never understand anyway without becoming Hindu and living in a Hindu community).

Funny fact #1: While at the temple, we talked to one of the priests, and we're pretty sure that we accidently told him we are Buddhist.

Funny fact #2: Later that evening, we watched Michael Clayton with two of Joel's friends and the phrase "I am Shiva the Destroyer" came up a couple times throughout the movie. Plus Alvin was wearing a Shiva shirt. (For those of you who don't know, Shiva is one of the gods in Hinduism). So yeah... yesterday was all about Hinduism.

Finally, today I went to church with Joel's family. I'm not quite sure on what to think or feel about it yet. It did drive a point home to me (surprisingly enough) about Christ's love, but that should probably be elaborated on at a later time...

The Quest for the Ultimate Jelly Belly Combo

2008-03-11T11:17:00.003-05:00

A few days ago, I received a 4 lb. container of Jelly Belly jellybeans. I was in awe to say the least, and life has changed ever since. Just yesterday did I decide that I should do something semi-productive with these Jelly Bellies, and it came to me... I should find the ultimate Jelly Belly combo! I know, it floored me as well. Of course, one needs to take into consideration the fact that people have different tastes in what they like and what they don't like, so I suppose that this is simply a personal quest.

Here's what I got so far:

lemon rootbeer
peach coconut orange sherbert
pink grapefruit island punch
plum pear
cinnamon watermelon
tutti frutti rootbeer
green apple vanilla bean
berry blue blueberry wild blackberry
lemon watermelon strawberry daquiri
strawberry chocolate
black licorice vanilla bean

So far I think that the pink grapefruit island punch and the cinnamon watermelon are my favorites, but I still have a ways to go.

If there are any suggestions for amazing combos I should try, please write them on a slip of paper and put them in the suggestion box. Perhaps I will give Jelly Bellies to the suggestion that I approve of upon taste test... hm...

Peace out!

Life is so good...

2008-03-10T15:06:00.003-05:00

This time of year is absolutely divine. One can easily tell that spring is in the air. The bite of the wind is losing its sting. The grass is making a valiant effort to fight through the snow. The sun shines brighter than what has become normal. The pavement replaced the sheet of ice for a walking surface. The melted snow puddles glisten in the sun's light. And the birds are consistently outside to sing a merry little tune to anyone who chooses to listen.

Back home, this feeling and atmosphere would have been here for over a month, but better late than never, right?... But perhaps spring is more appreciated after this sort of winter, at least it is for me...

Even so, when it snowed only three days ago, it didn't bring despair. The snow was quite beautiful, because it merely floated down in the way snow ought to. It was like a snow globe, and absolutely breath taking to watch in light of the lampposts. Also, it was easier to remember that winter cannot last forever, since there have already been evidences of it in weeks prior.

It's this feeling that makes me want to dance, sing and smile all day long. I love it. I can't help but be bubbly and hope others share this same feeling.

Plus, life in general is taking a turn for the better. My brother visited this weekend, and it was just nice to see him and hang out with him for a little bit. I am more confident about things in my mind. And a general feeling of pure contentment and happiness has replaced the cloud of doubt and anxiety. Now all that's left is to be patient for other things.

YAY LIFE!!!

The Cruelty of Mankind [myself included]

2008-03-06T18:54:00.002-06:00

This is something I wrote down last night while in the library:

'ever had to restrain the urge to roll your eyes? multiple times?! it happens a lot while eavesdropping on conversations.... especially the matter of Praise and Worship...

-You going to Praise and Worship?
--No
-No!? I'll pray for you...

*blech*

-repress rolling eyes now-'

Thinking back on the entire scenario, that was very condescending. To think that I am any better than the person who said this, gosh, what an ego. Humility is something that is in short supply, especially in my life.

Who am I to even think that I am better than the person next to me?

Who am I to think that the people I associate myself with are supreme to all the other people I could spend time with?

To step outside of myself and see that, I felt very ugly. Ugly as a person, as a human-being, as a child of God. How can I even call myself that?... especially after the things that I think about fellow image-bearers?

I'm not down on myself or anything, just a little disappointed... The higher you are, the farther you fall...

[Statement]. [Question]?

2008-02-29T12:37:00.006-06:00

Here's a song that's making a residence inside my head: "Let's Go Fly a Kite" Heard of it? Don't know how it got there, but on a day like this, it's very appropriate.

Here's a feeling that I won't be able to get over: pulling apart, limb-by-limb, a CRAWFISH Have you done this? It's quite a sickening feeling really, but after the first few things you tear off, you sort of just get over it and finish what you need to do. This crawfish was dead, so don't you worry your little head that I'm becoming sick and sadistic by tearing apart live animals. That's just awful. Any corruption that I possess, you have probably already seen, so no worries.

Here's an interesting thought: I love learning about human anatomy. Do you? It's simply amazing everything that is in the body. I would be perfectly fine with just studying how the body works for the rest of my days. The intricacies, the mind-boggling intricacies. Today, I was reading up on the respiratory system for Medical Terminology and randomly said out loud, "I really want to 'rip apart' a human body." Danielle was sitting next to me and was a bit startled by my sudden outburst. What was actually meant by it was that I would like to dissect a cadaver and see exactly how the human body is put together. Everyone grows up with some sort of notion of how it all works, but to actually see it with your own eyes... man, that would be amazing.

Here's another thought: I am a bit morbid (sometimes) without meaning to be. Have you noticed this and not told me? Just last night, while explaining what I want to do with my life to a person I had just met, I said, "Yeah, I'm looking forward to the centrifuge... and the blood." NOT INTENTIONAL mind you. Now I am sure that this person thinks I have an unhealthy fascination with blood... What was actually meant was that I am looking forward to working with specimens in a lab setting where one can analyze what may or may not be wrong with it. Again, I am not that sick.

Here's something to look forward to: tonight we're going to a Jewish Synagogue/Temple and next Friday we're going to an Islamic Mosque. You jealous? It should be pretty awesome I think. Hopefully everything goes well and it will be an amazing learning experience.

Got Answers?

2008-02-25T16:11:00.004-06:00

There it is again... the question that has been prodding my mind for all of these months. Apparently avoiding the topic did nothing but keep me from facing the reality of things. The same feelings that were thought to have been shaken off have once again returned. It all happened so quickly too.

BAM!

Conversation done and feelings returned, with even more questions than before. It's not intentional. And it's not like these feelings can be pinned down to one specific reason, believe me, I've tried. Talking through it doesn't help. It's come to the point where it seems over discussed.

Maybe these feelings are the sign that has been long searched for.

Maybe not.

There it is again.

Now things concerning the future are also constantly running through my mind. It's funny how conversations just replay through my mind like a broken record player. To be honest, I'm quite scared about what may have to be done in several aspects of my life. It's shaking me. Shaking the foundation I thought I had. Shaking the plans that have been meticulously worked out.

Things are now riding on what happens these next few months. Pretty much the next few months will determine the future. So many 'what if's...

things that are beautiful:

2008-02-24T12:45:00.003-06:00

~winters that are almost at their end~

~poetry flowing through your head during the morning~

~late nights with people you care about~

~the smell of melting snow~

~days where all a sweat shirt will suffice~

~songbirds on a winter morning~

~mist during a sunrise~

~playing cards with girlfriends~

~laughing about nonsense~

~laughing~

~feeling peace~

~futons for napping~

~listening to loud music and dancing~

~dancing by yourself~

~dancing with girlfriends~

~listening to the winter silence~

~acting like a fool and people not caring too much~

~genuine smiles~

~people who listen and care~

~being able to find beauty in life~

Mental Block

2008-02-18T23:59:00.003-06:00

It sucks to see people in pain, and now I have done my fair share of pain-causing. Good job Mel. I'm determined not to talk about it anymore. Talking about it today and last night only made me realize that I have a major difficulty when it comes to expressing how I feel and what I think. And then when I told my mom about this discovery, she said she already knew. It must be really frustrating for people to be friends with me while I stumble over my thoughts and words, simply trying to get a sentence to make sense. In the end, it usually fails.

There are so many times where I just want to shout out exactly how I feel and what I think, and just go on and on and on until it's all out there. There are so many times I wish I knew what was going on inside my own head.

Communication is one of the most important things to me, especially interpersonal communication. This just makes it more frustrating, because I feel I can't even express what I want to in a clear enough manner. Even now, when I want to explain how I feel and what I think to a person I really care about, I can't do it properly. In the end, it only caused pain. All I really wanted to do was make myself clear, and now I fear that I have done just the opposite.

Shit.

too much of a blank to fill in

2008-02-17T13:03:00.002-06:00

No words can really explain how I feel about things right now. I'd hate to say that this weekend was a bit difficult for me at times, because there were many good things in it that I'm focusing on, but still....

Yup....

to answer or to not answer, that is the question

2008-02-09T15:34:00.000-06:00

Have you ever been asked a question numerous times, where the answer, no matter how creative you get, makes people feel awkward, think they offended you or brought up bad memories, wish they didn't bring it up? One of those questions, that no matter how you answer it or side-step it, you know they are going to feel bad about it and not know how to react? And then, when you answer the question truthfully, people say "oh, i'm SO sorry" as if you were going to start crying at the mere mention of it. And then you try to make them feel better by saying, "it's ok, really" and they strongly disagree.

Funny thing is, I always feel like I led them into a trap when they do ask me this question. It's not intentional, it's just how I keep things alive in my memory. But some people catch on to the "was", and then they ask about the "now". I still don't know how to respond properly. I hate seeing the expression people give me when they for the first time know, but only because I felt like I tricked them into asking that question, which I don't.

Perhaps I should take a poll asking what would be the best way to answer the question, because honestly, I'm still at a loss...

In other news, last night people told me that I should stop thinking about Spring and what it was like, because it's going to be a long time before it gets here. Sure, it makes sense, but that happy thought and feeling is something that I'm looking forward to, and I don't want to forget what it was, otherwise I'm just going to lose site of what's to come.

Should that possibly be our attitude all the time, especially in times of darkness? To choose to hold on to memories of the good things in a hopeful way, as opposed to bitterness for the way things are now. Sure, we don't know when it's going to get better, but that's where hope and faith that it will get better keeps us going.

If we don't have positive hope for the future, then what are we living for?

So... I will conclude with some words of wisdom from Journey:

Don't stop believin'

Hold on to that feelin'

A Simple Dream

2008-02-07T01:37:00.000-06:00

There are many times that I wish for a more simple lifestyle or society. One where I could have a garden, live in a tree, bathe in a river, and spend most of my day simply marvelling at God's creation. For academic stimulation, I would like to study different countries, including culture, religion, language, philosophy, etc. That would be lovely to me.

...even though it is still Winter, the warmth of Spring lies deep within my heart...

2008-01-31T20:53:00.001-06:00

As I was walking from the Campus Center tonight, two simple words came out of my mouth... "thank you". This was directed toward God. See, things have been quite interesting since my return to the tundra, and I was not quite sure if things were ever going to change for the better. Last week they finally did. Life was able to move forward again, instead of remaining in a stand-still mode. It was such an overwhelming experience that joy just overflowed from the deeps of my being. Every part of me wanted to jump and dance and sing and shout and express all that I felt. Things with two people that mean/t a lot to me are finally sorting themselves out. Sure, an incident a couple days later put me into panic mode again, but after talking to numerous people about the happenings in my life, I am once again at peace and in a state of true contentment with a pinch of restlessness.

Just the other day, perhaps it was yesterday, while sitting in Zoology class and thinking about things that I have been thinking about a lot as of late, a moment of sheer excitement and anticipation for spring came from within. It was amazing. Remembering what spring is like just put me into a better mood, momentarily shaking off the shadow of winter. There was still a sense of uneasiness though, which had been making a living in the pit of my stomach for several days prior. I was actually a bit nervous, because I was planning on meeting with a friend of mine, whose opinion I trully respect. But I was scared to meet with this person, because I knew they would tell me what I needed to hear, and I didn't know what to expect. Well,... the meeting occurred and went better than I could've asked for. It was wonderful. Once it was all done, peace flowed it's way throughout my soul, touching the places that have been starved from any sense of harmony.

Truth is, I am quite blessed with the people that I have in my life here at Dordt. They are so supportive, so caring, and so willing to help me through my numerous problems. Who am I to deserve the love of so many wonderful people?

Actually, as I was mozying my way back to my room, contemplating reasons for my major lack of motivation to work ahead, or even motivation for the things that I need to work on for tomorrow, and pondering if I am even made out for this field of study, it occurred to me... I am not. There is no way in hell that I can make this on my own. For some people, this all just comes naturally, but me, I have to work and struggle and that is going to lead to some very emotional and frustrating times. but.... it can be done, not on my own, but through daily prayer for the motivation and strength to do what needs to be done. God has to be my strength through this, because honestly, I'm not cut out for it. I love learning this stuff, I love doing the labs, I love seeing how marvelously intricate this world is. This is what I want to do, but I can't do it alone.

The past is behind me, but even so, it is a constant reminder that scares me everyday. It scares the core of me. It scares me to the point of wanting to give up already. But this is exactly why I need God's help.

Because I can....

2008-01-25T15:40:00.000-06:00

*squeal of irrepressible joy*

So... the smell of cigarette smoke is quite amazing. Reminds me of a lot of amazing times that I have had, places I have been, and people I have known.

*suppression of the urge to jump up and down, while smiling quite cheezily*

I traveled about 100 ft. in over a foot deep of snow, and it was quite amazing, quite. I just wanted to jump up and down, and roll around in it.

Haven't felt this way in over a month and a half (ever since a certain incident that will remain unnamed.)

Welp, that's it for now! quite....

*cheezy smile*

And... We're Off!

2008-01-24T23:20:00.000-06:00

Tonight I had another conversation with a friend who meant/means a lot to me. I didn't quite know what to expect as I agreed to chat, and needless to say, I was trembling quite terribly... It was something that was unexpected.

This entire scenario only lasted about 5-8 min. and it was done. After this person left, I cried by myself for an entire 5 min., silently. It was done. Finally. The tears were a mixture of pain being re-experienced for the last time and relief that it was finished. Life can move on now, as it should. The last bit of anger and resentment has finally eased away.

Hopefully now, this person will realize what needs to be done, and do it. I keep on praying that it'll all be alright. That God will lead. That God would comfort. And finally, I see an answer to these prayers. I am quite thankful, and now I can move on, which is what I have been wanting for so long.

This is being written with a smile of contentment, knowing that things will be alright. Now on to the next step...

...and so it goes...

2008-01-20T21:59:00.000-06:00

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
Its just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

...

Wish I could write words like these... it shows exactly how I feel about things as of late.... beautiful song and lyrics...

Winter of my Discontent

2008-01-17T23:54:00.000-06:00

People said that this semester is going to be different. I didn't believe them until today. Not different in the obvious, we-have-different-schedules sort of way, but friendship dynamic.

Apparently a lot of stuff happened over Christmas break that I was unaware of. Nobody likes to tell me things, or really talk to me about things, or like to talk to me and confuse the heck out of me. It's really quite frustrating. I just want to say....'What the hell?!'....well, there it is.

Certain things are upsetting me, and perhaps they shouldn't. Perhaps they're the way I want things to be. So why this discontentment?...

...don't know...

Filibuster [of sorts]

2008-01-07T23:44:00.001-06:00

Right now, at this very moment [and for the past few hours], I want to see someone. Someone in particular. I can't really say that I miss people right now, because I don't really want to go back to school yet, but I do want to see this person.

Don't really know why...

I keep on going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth... for the past few months... [it's a wonder that I'm not seasick.]

My mind keeps on changing, and hearing things helps to change my mind.

Honestly, I don't know what I want or what I need. A few vague ideas come to mind and are rather important to me, but other than that...

One moment I think I know what I need to do, then the next, the decision has changed.

This would be why I haven't really done or said anything these past couple months, in hopes that the answer would come in one way, shape or form, and that there would be no question whatsoever that that was the right way to go.

I really just want to talk it out with this person, but I don't know if that would be appropriate since I feel we are just surface level friends at this point.

Constantly, it's being given over to God, and I trust in him, but there seems to be no answer to the prayers. One day I think there is, the next it seems so far from it.

*ugh*

Sometimes I find myself wanting to say certain things, but catch myself just in time.

This seems to just be dragging out... I keep on hoping time will reveal an answer, but it's been such a long time it feels, and nothing seems to be any clearer than when it began.

...

I feel silly.

P.S.

2008-01-07T01:04:00.000-06:00

As I was watching 'Dead Poets Society', the line "I'm not a cynic, just a realist" was delivered, and I thought it was funny/ironic, considering the line below the title of this blog. (Keep in mind, I had never seen this movie before 2 nights ago...)

Musings and Observations

2008-01-06T01:03:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was all about feet for me... this morning, my mother treated me to a wonderful pedicure at this salon that runs along one of the rivers in Eagle (just outside of Boise). From there, we went shopping, mainly to peruse and see what could be found, and I found 8 pairs of shoes. The story behind this one is that, my mom and I went to the Kohl's just outside Eagle, Meridian and Boise and she got me three pairs of shoes that I've been "needing" (as in, my everyday shoes were being worn out and needed replacing and my dress flats don't exactly fit, so yeah...). Then we went home and did some stuff and then went to Costco and thereafter, to the Kohl's in Nampa. The intention was just to look for my mom and see what we could find, but I ended up finding 5 pairs of shoes for no more than $6 as the most expensive pair. Amazing... I bought these, since my mom bought what I needed and these were beyond that... All that aside, I won't be needing shoes for a while... :)

***

Since I have been listening to the radio again, it has come to my attention (once again) that the radio stations play the same songs over and over. It's rather irritating. But then I thought, 'I love listening to Death Cab for Cutie, and it never gets old, no matter how many times I play the album.' This led to me realizing that I am beginning to grow weary of music that is unoriginal in melody, lyrical value and the like. Who should I give credit for doing that to me? Many of people I suppose. Now the next step is finding other music to listen to...

***

People confuse the heck out of me. They are so complex, which can be a blessing and a curse, for many of different reasons. This makes things very difficult to figure out...

***

'Dead Poets Society' is a phenominal movie. It hit on a lot of the things I had been thinking about for the past couple of weeks/months. Loved every moment of it...

***

There are many days where I wish we would all speak more eloquently and lyrically, with the use of good vocabulary. The romantic idealist inside would love to escape into one of the world's that Jane Austen or Alexandre Dumas had created through their writings. Perhaps this is why I enjoy watching and reading 'Pride and Prejudice', 'Sense and Sensiblity', 'Count of Monte Cristo', and others among them.

*deep sigh*

Too bad it can only be a dream inside of me...

***

That is all for one evening...

Incoherent Individual Railroad Cars of Thought

2008-01-03T15:39:00.000-06:00

Don't know what to think about things, especially about the way I think or feel about things. Make sense? Probably not...

Concern for how members of my family are doing are beginning to seep in...

Wondering about people is constantly on my mind...

Apprehensions pertaining to the future and how things will work out keep me awake at night...

Spending way to much time on the computer is not a good thing...

Perhaps I try too hard and care too much...

Today just got off on the wrong foot I think...

hm...

Something to Think About While Starting the New Year: the Importance of the Moment

2008-01-03T00:34:00.000-06:00

Life is such a precious thing, but unfortunately, it is so often taken for granted. Easy to do though, and everyone has done it. I have done it.

This thought shouldn't make us stop living though. We are not to become misers of the moments that we have, because they are so fleeting. We should, instead, seize the moments that we have and bask in them, taking it all in with our eyes, ears, hearts, minds and souls wide open.

I first had my real taste of experiencing what life should be like in the last few months before my father's death. He became a model for me and my family. As hard as it was to see his life slowly dwindle down, it was absolutely beautiful to see how he lived. When the diagnosis was made, I believe he made the decision to live it up. Not in the way where one does all of the crazy things they always dreamed of doing, but in a 'seize the moment' sort of way.

One of my personal favorite memories is just playing football with him in the park with my brothers. He made an utter fool out of himself, dancing around and smiling after he had picked himself up from tripping. It didn't matter who saw him. There was such a twinkle in his eye and an overall goofiness in his demeanor. The sun and the trees only added to the beauty of the moment, which is now only a recording that replays itself in my mind. That memory always brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes, even now. It is a perfect representation of taking in the moment.

Tomorrow was never certain for him, but what makes us think that it is certain for us? The fact is, it isn't. Sure, we expect to wake up in the morning, usually with groaning because of the hour, but it is still not for certain. We don't know. So what's keeping us from living like he did?

James did a good job of emphasizing exactly this by saying, 'Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.'

What a mist we could be if more people basked in every moment, soaking it in and appreciating it for what it was...

.................................

But as idealistic as that may sound, a reality check comes along and brings me back from the elation that the thought brings.

Still, if I could, I would encourage every person to think about this more frequently. Life is fatal, and what will be left when you are gone is the imprint of what you chose to do in the moment.

Resolutions

2007-12-31T20:57:00.000-06:00

Even though I don't believe in them (well, not really "believe" but more think they are impractical to make since most, if not all will be broken, since that is the general trend), I decided to make a list of things that are typically on my list of things to do:

go skydiving
continue to learn from my numerous mistakes
further develop my devotional/prayer routine
work on study habits (some more)
learn more about the structure of God's creation and everything surrounding it
remember to take it easy
conquer playing "Toccata in F Minor" by Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach
continue to look for the positives in all situations
rely on God through thick and thin
and praise him for the outcome

Figured that 10 is a nice rounded number... Hope you all have a Happy New Year!

Wisdom from James

2007-12-28T20:56:00.000-06:00

I never really read this section the way I did last night:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

"The brother in humble circumstances out to take pride in his high position. But the one who is rich should take pride in his low poistion, because he will pass away lik a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

"When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; bet each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

"Don't be deceived, my dear brothers [and sisters]. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created."

It's easy to lose site of the things that I have emphasized in this passage. At least it's easy for me, because I have and until last night, I was feeling very sorry for myself. It's my own fault for the ways things have been going and for my emotional passivity. Hopefully (and most likely) more is to be learned as the study of James continues.

A Walk with the Dog and a Talk with a Friend

2007-12-23T01:18:00.000-06:00

Walking my dog today, in the cold, windy outdoors, led to a need to chat with God. I haven't done that in a while, and I don't know why. Seems like my mind has been on other things and feels like there's no time to share with him. But talking with him helps to just get things out there. To make me hit a wall of sorts and come to reality once again. Again, I see myself going down a road that I have been trying to avoid. Looks like I enjoy taking detours that can make life more difficult in the future. There must be some way for me to keep myself from going those directions, even though in the end they teach me a lesson. (It's a hard and painful end to get to though...)

A brief chat with a friend today led me to think about some things. Is it bad to not have a plan for your life? Is it bad to be content with where you are? Is it bad to stick around and linger just because your friends remain to finish things they have started? Part of me says no, because that's how I would be. But the other part of me thinks that it seems to be a cop-out.

What will happen when the friends leave and move on with their life and you are left to linger, wondering what will happen next?

These are the things that make me the most apprehensive, not what other people tell me...

How Am I?

2007-12-22T00:47:00.001-06:00

Lately I don't know how to answer that question... it's hard... Perhaps I just went into survival mode and decided not to be anything. Not stressed, not happy, not sad, not anything really... except for content, perhaps...

I don't even know. Weird, isn't it? I think so.

Today was fun. I went to a family friend's house with my mom, and we all made an assortment of different traditional dutch pasteries. It was nice, despite the fact that I got burnt by sputtering oil, but oh well, it was for the pastries... :)

It was strange though, or perhaps not, but there were a few couples there that are married, and I could just tell that they were completely in love with their spouse. It was so beautiful. It also made me just a little sad inside. There seems to be a lot of that going around lately. I'm very happy for all of my friends who have found the love of their life, it's just really hard sometimes to remember to be happy for them.

How can I say that I am content, when I want something with every fiber of my being, but feel like I am not going to find it.

*sigh*

Sorry for being melodramatic...

At a loss...

2007-12-18T14:36:00.000-06:00

What do I do? I want him to understand why I am doing what I am doing.

He doesn't know that I still care. He doesn't know that I wish things didn't have to be this way. He doesn't know that I still pray for him. He doesn't know that I still think about him. He doesn't know how much I want to ask him about his life. He doesn't know that I want him to be at peace with the situation. He doesn't know how confused I am. He doesn't know how badly I feel. He doesn't know how much I want him to be alright. He doesn't know how hurt I am. He doesn't know that my distancing is for his sake. He doesn't know the dreams that I have had. He doesn't know how sorry I feel. He doesn't know how hard it has been for me to keep all of this to myself. He doesn't know how much I want to help him. He doesn't know how crumby this makes me feel.

So much he doesn't know... but it will continue to remain unsaid...

Swear Word

2007-12-12T10:45:00.000-06:00

I am the worst person that I know, and it is beginning to catch up with me. Don't know what to do... *swear word*

That is all......

Ponderings of an Undecided Nature

2007-12-09T23:07:00.000-06:00

Something that I have just been thinking about was how people go through difficult times in their lives. When thinking about it, it made me wonder if they are "given" those difficulties because they possess something that gives them the strength to get through it. That God knew they would be able to conquer it, and knew of the development that would occur from it.

Or....

Perhaps certain trials come that God knows we cannot handle. In doing so, then we have to call on him and draw our strength from him. God knows our strengths and our weaknesses and perhaps trials only come to strengthen our weaknesses through him.

Both of these wonderments have a positive and a negative aspect. There are lots of holes and questions...

The Ride

2007-12-07T19:21:00.000-06:00

So life is good right now, despite the fact that my performance on the test may not have been the greatest... oh well, it's out of my hands now...

Here's an epiphany: I don't always have to do something when something is going wrong with people in my life. Let me be more specific, if there are relational issues of sorts, I can choose to do nothing about it. Don't get me wrong, if there are serious relational issues, then I would definitely do something about them. But otherwise, it's just best to wait and see how things are going to go...

I am so happy right now, and I don't even know why! Nothing out of the ordinary happened today... nothing special... in fact, I have no real good reason to be happy...

Perhaps it is the fact that I am at peace with what is happening in my life. Perhaps it is the fact that that infernal OChem test is finished. Perhaps there is something else and I just can't put my finger on it. That's ok though, because I am going to revel in the fact that I am nothing but happy right now. No worry, no anxiety, no nagging feeling, nothing.

Random Thought/Story:
I was in chapel yesterday, and Pastor Rod played the Hallelujah Chorus after his main shpeel. The shpeel was about celebration, and how heavenly celebration will be so awesome. So I listened to this song with this in mind, and I felt as though I was elevated to a completely different plane. Thinking about heaven in such a way almost brought me to tears, and then the thought of how my father is part of that heavenly celebration made the tears spill. I don't think about him as much as I use to, and that scares me. The thought of my father disappearing from my memory scares me. The thought of losing those precious memories scares me. This is why I talk about him with people, even if they don't know that he's gone. It keeps him alive in my memories. I miss him so much.... even now.... in fact, in chapel, I decided that if I could ask for anything and it would happen, it would be to have one last hug from him. That is all I really want. That is all I ever want.

There you have it... my deepest desire... the thing that I long for most and will not get while I remain on this earth.

Minor Update

2007-12-03T21:27:00.000-06:00

So things like hitting me at the same time, or at least it likes to when I have an Organic Chemistry test coming up....

There's still this constant boy problem thing that keeps on hounding me. It seems like things don't want to give me a break, especially this. I just don't have time this week to deal with it.

Speaking of this week, I wrote down my entire plan/schedule for after classes on each day... yeah... I am not going to have a life for the next 4 days. oh well...

Today I had a chat with a friend for about 30 min. It was slightly awkward, but necessary. This same friend asked me to the Christmas banquet next week. Truthfully, I don't want to go to the function, but I know that that night will be extremely boring if I don't go.

My mind is a billion places at once, but through the grace of God, things are still working and my life is relatively peaceful. Only 16 more days until my mind will be set free to wander and wonder by its own free will...

My Existence

2007-11-28T15:56:00.000-06:00

Generally, I am not happy with myself. Not just one aspect either.... There's so much to it, and there's no way of making this sound like I don't hate myself, which I don't, I'm just unhappy with how a lot of things are going.

I hate writing the word "I" so many times. It makes me realize that I am losing sight of all the other people out there. There are so many other people, and I love to talk to them about the good and the bad that is going on in their lives. I love asking them how they really are doing, and being there for them when they need to let everything.

I hate that I like to talk about myself. Talk about all of my problems. Then I expect those people that I am making listen to all of this to help me and give me advice. How silly and selfish.

I hate being subtle about the things I do say about myself, and then when people ask I don't really want to say, because they are really paying attention. I don't want to say because then I feel like I tricked them into asking me about it, so it's not necessarily a genuine concern.

I hate not being genuine and truthful. Like when I tell the same story twice, but it's always got a bit of a difference, making it sound worse than what it really is.

I hate that I let things slide. I don't take care of myself, my relationships with people, my developing relationships with people. I feel too worn out to care about what my actions may mean. I feel too tired to constantly keep my gaurd up against sin. I feel too drained to continue working on my own spiritual battles.

I hate seeing myself go down a road that I never thought I would travel down. I have been making choices that are of my own sinful indulgences. This only shows that I have given up on caring about it, for the time being.

I hate knowing exactly what I need to do to get out of this hole that I am digging for myself. My attitude, my drive, my character has taken a dip and just levelled off there.

....the count: 35 uses of the word "I"....

..."Fond, but not in LOVE"... [just some simple, disconnected thoughts]

2007-11-25T17:34:00.000-06:00

This quote fascinated me a couple nights ago, while I was in an interesting situation. I forced myself to remember it, for whatever reason, I don't know, but I did anyway. People should contemplate this I think, though it is pretty straight forward...

I am still feeling a bit queezy from a couple nights ago, but then again, that was entirely my own fault. I hope my appetite reappears soon...

It is Sunday, and I still haven't done a lick of homework. Oh yes, I am aspiring to achieve...

Current decision I have made (which may or may not be fair to the other party involved): I am going to do nothing about the situation until after Christmas break when I have had time to myself to contemplate things, and in the words of Alvin, "hash it out". (Then again, no one knows what tomorrow may hold, and then I may have to take action)...

Somewhat connected to the previous thought, there's just so much mystery that surrounds all of this. I keep on praying about it, but who knows what answers may be in store for me...

Speaking of prayer, today the pastor preached on prayer, and he said something that truly struck me. He said that the answer to prayer may not be the changing of God, but the changing of us. Constantly praying about one thing or another may lead us to be okay with the fact that we cannot have something, and when we receive the answer that we have so desired, it is a blessing, but one that we have come to the point where we could have been content without. Interesting, no? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one...

I received an e-mail from my mother today, and she sent me a picture that she took of my birthtown from the last time she visited. I thought that it would be nice to share this picture with you folks...

This is something I realized after saying the 4th point... I am an unfair person. I guess the reason for me not to do anything is a perfectly selfish reason. But also, it is because I have no idea of what to do, and I feel if I did anything now, it would only screw things up. Taking some advice from Treebeard, I don't want to be too hasty...

Another interesting thought, someone asked me what happened between me and Zach for about the millionth time. I gave this person the same answer I give every person, also expressing my frustration with not knowing why, which is part of the reason I think I'm still/was angry with Zach. But then he said something to me that just struck me... Sometimes people just feel like it's not going to work out. Looking back on the situation surrounding the break-up, it all sorta' makes sense. I think that little grain of insight was all I really needed to be okay with it all...

But now I feel like I should apologize to Zach for being kind of unkind to him these past couple weeks. Would that be a stupid thing to do?...

I think I've spent more than enough time on this post at this point, but these are the thoughts that have been going through my mind as of late...

and.... ACTION!!!

2007-11-19T16:10:00.000-06:00

Today is the day where I am deciding to take action, or begin the steps toward taking action.

Last night was quite awful, but then when I talked to some friends, they decided that they would pray for me. All I told them that this past weekend was awful, and that's all that they needed to hear. It makes me appreciate Dordt so much more.

After talking to them, I went up to my room, and cried for a whole of 5 min. and it was done. Can prayers be answered before they are uttered? I can't say, but all I know is, that I am at peace with the struggles that I am facing. It's all in God's control and has been from the get-go.

This is not to say that I expect all of this to be easy, all of the action that needs to be taken. That's not how life is, and it's not realistic to think that way. But now it's just a matter of determining what to needs to be said and how to say it.

I have a feeling that that will come with more prayer, and an extra measure of trust in God.

And it all started with wanting some punch.....

2007-11-18T12:42:00.000-06:00

So this weekend proved to be quite an interesting one, and not the kind of interesting that would put one in a good mood. Details are not necessary in order for me to express my true feelings about what is going on. Many of these feelings are the similar to what previous blogs have asserted, but this weekend led to a colliding of these emotions. I think right now I'm emotionally unstable anyway... But no matter.......

First Expressed Frustration:
I think I've decided that I am sick of being angry with my ex. I'm just holding on and holding on to whatever bit of anger that I still have, and it is eating at me and beginning to affect my experiences with other people. I don't want to be angry, but for some reason it's still there. I don't have feelings for him anymore, so why am I holding on?

Second Expressed Frustration:
I am still caught in the middle about this entire new guy stuff. Yes, there it is, I admit it, there's another guy. But people keep on telling me things, and these are people that are close to me and to him. I am growing quite tired of not being able to do what I want to do, which would be to go wherever I want to without worrying about who may be there. It's truly getting to me, and I am sick of it. I am sick of hearing that I shouldn't go places or whatever. Well, I am not necessarily hearing this, but I feel the subtle hints. Whenever they see it, I know what they are thinking. It makes me a bit angry.

Third Expressed Frustration:
I am not going to do anything about the previous frustration this semester. People don't understand that. People don't understand that I am not going to date anyone for a while, until I am ready. But they seem to be thinking that I am leading him on. Well, if I am, it is unintentional. And the method they are proposing that I use to stop it is not in my taste. I don't like being passive aggressive and I don't like ignoring people that I like, even if they are just friends. I won't do it. I would much rather just talk it out with that person, then to let them learn the hard way. It would be easier, I think.

Fourth Expressed Frustration:
Then again, it may not be all that easy for him to truly understand that I don't want anything right now. People tell me that I need to be blunt. Ok, I get that, I'm not stupid. But I'm still hung up on getting people's approval........

Fifth Expressed Frustration:
I just want this semester to be over with. That will give me the opportunity to recover from all of this. It is really getting to me now, and this past week has been nothing other than thinking about this and everything piling on top of it. I can't think about anything outside of this. I can't focus on my homework. I can't sleep properly anymore. And today I realized that all of this is causing me to lose my appetite. This sort of cycle happened last year, but right now I'm at the point where I don't want to do anything about the 3 afore mentioned frustrations because it will just add more stress and all I want to do is to make it through this semester.

I am growing weary of all of this...... My energy is draining........ Please just make it all stop........ my thoughts, my anger, my frustration........ make it all go away............

....................................................

One thing that I am not worried about is the fact that it is not out of control. This would be because God is working in this situation. I am constantly giving it over to Him, because I know that I am not able to handle it. Keeping this in mind helps me to relax just a bit, and I am so grateful for it.

Insight

2007-11-15T19:07:00.000-06:00

The past few days I have been wondering why I have been feeling the way that I have been. Just 15 minutes ago, the answer came to me. It was a moment of realization: God was working through the situation and through me. The reason for these feelings was the answer to the prayer that has been in my mind and heart for the past couple weeks.

Something had always been bothering me about the entire situation, and the answer that was being searched for presented itself. That was all that was needed for me to understand why I felt this way. It's amazing and truly a blessing from God.

On a less lighter note, lack of motivation is seeping in from all corners, dragging everything down. I'm just not in the mood to deal with certain things, homework being the primary thing to be dealt with.

Also, the entire trapped/being-swallowed-whole feeling is coming back, and is much harder to shake, but I'm dealing with it.

But despite the current moodiness I have been facing, the first topic discussed has put me in a less moody state of being.

(Things are going to remain vague on purpose....)

Dear Lord and Savior,

2007-11-13T14:00:00.000-06:00

I am in such a state of frazzlement. I feel pressure coming at me from all angles about one thing, and I feel as though I'm going to implode once again. This is all so stupid, since nothing is happening... but something is happening... something I am not ready for. Something, that the more I think about it, the more it scares me.

I don't want to enter into something without knowledge, without the right feelings, and without the feelings being directed in the right way. I am so uncertain about so much, all the more indication that I'm not ready. So... what do I do?

Do I pretend that nothing is happening?, which nothing is happening... but something is happening.

Do I address this issue?, is there an issue to address?, would this just create more problems?...

Do I wait it out and see what happens?, but I can already see what may possibly happen....

I feel if I don't address it, things are going to get worse all around.

Lord! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! Please guide me in your wisdom, lead me in your truth. Take this situation, I am placing it in your hands.

It's about to tear me apart, please hold me together. Please give me the strength.

I know that I am self-centered in asking all of this from you, but what else am I to do? You tell me through your Word to lay all of my anxiety on you. So is this wrong?

I just want to cry, Lord. I just want to sleep this all away. To not have to worry about spending too much time with this issue. To be able to have fun and enjoy the time I have with this issue.

I don't know what to do... please help me...

In your most awesome and Holy Name,

Amen

In whom shall I confide?

2007-11-11T23:13:00.000-06:00

Well, as of late, I have been realizing that I don't feel like I can confide in someone heart-to-heart... which is difficult for me, since I tend to have one thing or another going on that I would love advice with.

So why not friends?
Because I feel like we all need a break from one another, and that my problems are a bit trivial compared to theirs. They'll probably say that it's untrue, but I feel otherwise.... People get a bit touchy around this time of year for various reasons: stress, weather, being sick of school, needing to leave, the list goes on.... Plus I hate explaining the entire situation to them, and what exactly happened, and what the response was, and such and such, and so and so.... It's a lot of work, and I don't want to impose.

So why not family?
I do, but not everything. When it comes to people problems, they would have to know the person instead of having me explain it all. Makes the entire situation a bit tedious...

So why not this blog?
The internet doesn't give much of a response. It's like talking into a dark, empty chamber; the message is uttered and echoes for a little bit then fades to be forgotten forever. Yes, there are people who read this and give me their comments of reassurance or whatever, but it's such a shallow way to communicate what is going on inside. [I'm a bit of a hypocrit, I know...]

So why not God?
That would be ideal now wouldn't it? Yeah, I know.... He knows me best, He knows what's going on, He is always listening, He is never distracted, He cares about me, He loves me,... Yes, I know all of this. I've just let him take a backseat to my life again. I don't talk to him much anymore. Plus it's just so hard to talk to someone, some entity, some supernatural, all-powerful being, that doesn't talk directly back. Alls I want is a direct answer on what to do, alls I want to see is the reaction, alls I want to know is that he is there listening 100%. Well, the last statement is silly, because I know he is always listening, plus that's where faith comes in, huh? I don't doubt his existence, his presence in my life. But who can say that they never wanted direct answers from him? I have been wanting them for such a long time, but I never seem to get them. There are people that claim that God told them this or that, and they seem convinced in their own mind. I'm a bit of a skeptic where those are concerned, but that's nothing against them.

I just need to get my ass in gear again, and work on my relationship with God.

Spasmodic Angst

2007-11-09T00:21:00.000-06:00

So, today was not all that nice at points. I am trying to be patient with various different things, and I feel that if I have to be patient with one more thing, I may implode.

On the side, I feel like I am pushing people away from me right now. How, I don't know... Perhaps it simply just over-exposure to me. Perhaps it's the things that I say. I don't know, but no one is really willing to talk about it. They just pretend that it's ok. Frustrating...

It's interesting, because these are the same people that force me to talk about what's going on. I honestly don't care if they tell me that it's me. I'd rather have that, then what I feel is happening now.

Maybe I'm just paranoid. Or maybe the lack of discussing what's wrong is leading to my paranoia. Or maybe I'm just overanalyzing the situation. (Which would probably end up being the case.)

I just need to let things go. I found out just the other day, that I am still angry about things that happened in my last relationship, even though I told him everything. We've been broken up for over 7 months now, and it's still eating me. There are still questions gnawing at the back of my mind. ........Just let it go.......

While I'm at it.... I am sick of things not working out. Things that I feel should not be that big of a deal, that are actually quite simple, are not working out.

*gr*

This is such a sporadic blog, which only shows how tired and frustrated I am. I'm afraid further behavior like this will only sooner lead to an implosion. But despite all of this...

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth." 1 Corinthians 13:4-6

There is the answer to my problem.

Freedom

2007-11-07T16:36:00.000-06:00

Well, after I finished writing the previous blog, I decided to play some piano to see what would happen. Personally, I wan't all that thrilled to practice in the first place, but I prayed on my way downstairs that God would help me. Just a simple one sentence prayer to change my attitude.

The result was amazing. It's like the keys broke lose my chains of lethargia. I feel awake, despite the sleepiness that surrounds me. I can once again focus; the foginess is gone. There is once again warmth in my fingers. The compression of the world around me has lifted.

Strange how well that worked actually....

I discovered this last semester that the lack of piano/choir/music-making was part of my problem last year, but I didn't realize how dynamic of a difference it would make.

It seems to me that for a lot of people (especially around here), playing music makes them feel better. It enables you to think outside of yourself. To be constructive. To show emotion. To become alive.

Hm... I feel a little silly now... but I'm glad. Thank you for your prayers.

Swallowed Whole

2007-11-07T15:07:00.000-06:00

These past couple of days have just been weird for me; I don't quite understand it all. I feel like the change of weather has made me slip into a more lethargic state, which scares me. This was the first symptom that I felt last year during this time, and it did not lead down a good road. I can feel myself slipping into the bad habits that I've been working so hard to shake off.

The air here feels so closed off. I can't see the sun go down. I don't see the beautiful terraine of mountains. I'm searching for the beauty in this, but it's so hard when the wind blows and you have to look down in order to see where you are going.

I feel restricted. Like I can't do what I want to. I can't feel what I want to. It's weird, because no one has told me anything, I just expect their reactions to be against what I want. Perhaps I'm just paranoid then....

My body seems to be screaming for mercy right now. All the stress of this year is building up in my back, and there is no release.

*sigh*

I don't even want to finish this blog now, so maybe later.... (this would be the entire attitude that I'm fighting against....)

Please pray for me........

Simple Pleasures

2007-11-06T00:39:00.000-06:00

I have resolved the following:

to let things take their course
to trust in God that he knows what He's doing
to appreciate things about Iowa that are easily overlooked
to love all the people I encounter with the same love of Christ
to try my best in everything
to let go of my failures and short-comings
to forget to think about what people think
to enjoy every moment
to live a life worthy of Christ
to breathe deep the air that surrounds me and all the sweet fragrances it holds
to hold my breath when the smells are not so sweet
to treasure the moments that I have with people that I love
to laugh hard
to look up
to see beyond the surface of things
to understand
to learn as much as I can
to dance like nobody is watching
to move to the rythm of God's drum
to not back down
to finish this list

But, as much as I may resolve to do any of these things, whether it be one or the entire list, I know that I will fail in one way or another. It's human nature, and I'm bond to it just like everyone else on this earth.

Evenso.... this list is a list that I have subconsciously made for myself throughout these past few months. This list is a representation of what I am working on in my life. This list is a representation of what God is doing in my life.

Of what God has helped me to realize.

Of what God has been reminding me to do.

Of what God wants me to do.

I hope to look back on this post in times to come, and be reminded of the things that I may have forgotten. Be reminded of the work the Almighty has done. And to be comforted in the fact that He can change people, even me.

Tea in a Mailbox

2007-11-04T13:05:00.000-06:00

Well, once the O.Chem test was finished on Friday, things got so much better really fast. I was just able to breathe and to enjoy life once again. Hearing other people play music at a studio class was such a blessing. Talking to people who I don't usually talk to was just wonderful, especially since some of them helped me through my really tough night. Chillaxing after dinner was just wonderful. Reading a book for fun in the Bean just made me feel at peace with the world. Talking to Phil in the Bean just was a cherry on top of a wonderfully relaxing day.

But at the same time, there was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. There was something else I needed to do, but couldn't for the life of me figure out how I wanted it to happen. Well, I had an ideal way I wanted it to go, but I wasn't going to hold my breathe on it all happening that way. Plus it didn't help that I wasn't all the excited to do this in the first place. In fact, I wanted to do the exact opposite of what I needed to do. I wanted to say the exact opposite of what I needed to say.

.......

But through many hard conversations with different people, they all seem to agree that right now I'm not ready for the opposite. Admittedly, it put me in a foul mood a couple times. Plus I was very confused at the same time, which didn't help. What I needed to do and what I wanted to do were at war with one another, and it made things confusing. I knew it would be for the best, and that maybe one day the opposite would happen, but it's just so hard to wait.

*sigh*

Well, long story short, I managed to do what I needed to do. Through much prayer and an extra measure of faith, it was accomplished. Now I'm struggling on figuring out what to do about it. Do I do anything? Perhaps I should just let it be for now...

*sigh*

That would be best for now I think. Except I will continue to pray about it, and perhaps one day it will be time.

I am not usually this negative, but timing is everything...

2007-11-01T21:47:00.000-05:00

So, today sucked in everyway possible, but the details as to why it sucked are not so much as important as the thoughts that followed the actual events...

Pretty much, I feel like an absolute failure. Even worse, I feel like the person who lets everyone down. Like I don't have my act together. I see it in people's eyes, especially professors. I'm either too indecisive, don't get things done in a timely manner, make up excuses for why I don't get things done in a timely manner, or just seem so stupid that I'm not worth their time. It may be quite possible that this is all in my head, but I don't think so....

It always seems that when I work harder at one aspect and think the others will be ok, they end up not being so ok, so then I need to work harder on the lacking aspect and then the original aspect fails. Does that make sense? It does to me....

I just can't get it together, and it's the most terrible feeling ever.... I hate disappointing people, not reaching their expectations, not being who they think I am. And it's not so much that I don't know what to do, I just choose not to do it. Yeah... I guess that would be stupidity, huh?

Another thing contributing to this downer, first post is that it feels like I am not able to do what I want, in the areas of my life where I think I am allowed to do what I want. There are certain pressures for me to follow, even though it's completely against what I even want to do. I absolutely hate that feeling. The only reason why I don't do what I want is because deep down inside, I think that other people know what's best in that situation and that I'll regret it if I don't do it exactly the way they want me to. Another thing is that if I tell those people the way I did it, if it's different from the way they wanted me to, there's the entire disappointment that I read behind their eyes, and it makes me feel like I should go fix it for whatever reason. But right now, I'm close to the point where i want to say "FUCK OFF!" It will only be a matter of time before I pull that one out again.... *sigh*

There's just so much to life, and it seems like today was the day when it all decided to collide and make things a little stressful. But despite all the pressures of today, I know that God is still working in me, giving me the strength I need for this exact moment. People do not know what is best for me, but God does, and I am going to choose to follow his will. And while I am at it, I am going to bask in the beauty of the thought that this is all only temporary, and at the end of life it will not matter. All that will matter is if I did what I could and did it all to the glory of God. That makes me feel so much better.... :)

Fallen Idealist

Changed Sites

"Holland"

yay for blogging

A lesson in humility to myself...

Blogging

Time for Round Three:

One Word:

It's been a while...

For the love of phospholipids and the like...

Life is just speeding past...

...and the rest came...

Why can't I find the rest I need?

Lord, what do I do?

Back from the edge of the world...

3.5 days left to prepare

Conversation with Anna

Benefits of learning a not-so-common language...

Update:

This is for those of you who think I have completely forgotten about blogging...

In Search of a Train of Thought

"Be Mindful of the Moment"

P.S.

Just a thought...

Pensivity

...for all the things that have been needing to get done...

Let It Go

thoughts over leftovers, chocolate and tea

I keep on coming back to this point:

Feelings and Thoughts as of Late:

Magical Walks, Hindu Talks and a Question Mark Remains

The Quest for the Ultimate Jelly Belly Combo

Life is so good...

The Cruelty of Mankind [myself included]

[Statement]. [Question]?

Got Answers?

things that are beautiful:

Mental Block

too much of a blank to fill in

to answer or to not answer, that is the question

A Simple Dream

...even though it is still Winter, the warmth of Spring lies deep within my heart...

Because I can....

And... We're Off!

...and so it goes...

Winter of my Discontent

Filibuster [of sorts]

P.S.

Musings and Observations

Incoherent Individual Railroad Cars of Thought

Something to Think About While Starting the New Year: the Importance of the Moment

Resolutions

Wisdom from James

A Walk with the Dog and a Talk with a Friend

How Am I?

At a loss...

*Swear Word*

Ponderings of an Undecided Nature

The Ride

Minor Update

My Existence

..."Fond, but not in LOVE"... [just some simple, disconnected thoughts]

and.... ACTION!!!

And it all started with wanting some punch.....

Insight

Dear Lord and Savior,

In whom shall I confide?

Spasmodic Angst

Freedom

Swallowed Whole

Simple Pleasures

Tea in a Mailbox

I am not usually this negative, but timing is everything...

Swear Word