*Swear Word*

I am the worst person that I know, and it is beginning to catch up with me. Don't know what to do... *swear word*


That is all......

Ponderings of an Undecided Nature

Something that I have just been thinking about was how people go through difficult times in their lives. When thinking about it, it made me wonder if they are "given" those difficulties because they possess something that gives them the strength to get through it. That God knew they would be able to conquer it, and knew of the development that would occur from it.

Or....

Perhaps certain trials come that God knows we cannot handle. In doing so, then we have to call on him and draw our strength from him. God knows our strengths and our weaknesses and perhaps trials only come to strengthen our weaknesses through him.

Both of these wonderments have a positive and a negative aspect. There are lots of holes and questions...

The Ride

So life is good right now, despite the fact that my performance on the test may not have been the greatest... oh well, it's out of my hands now...

Here's an epiphany: I don't always have to do something when something is going wrong with people in my life. Let me be more specific, if there are relational issues of sorts, I can choose to do nothing about it. Don't get me wrong, if there are serious relational issues, then I would definitely do something about them. But otherwise, it's just best to wait and see how things are going to go...

I am so happy right now, and I don't even know why! Nothing out of the ordinary happened today... nothing special... in fact, I have no real good reason to be happy...

Perhaps it is the fact that I am at peace with what is happening in my life. Perhaps it is the fact that that infernal OChem test is finished. Perhaps there is something else and I just can't put my finger on it. That's ok though, because I am going to revel in the fact that I am nothing but happy right now. No worry, no anxiety, no nagging feeling, nothing.

Random Thought/Story:
I was in chapel yesterday, and Pastor Rod played the Hallelujah Chorus after his main shpeel. The shpeel was about celebration, and how heavenly celebration will be so awesome. So I listened to this song with this in mind, and I felt as though I was elevated to a completely different plane. Thinking about heaven in such a way almost brought me to tears, and then the thought of how my father is part of that heavenly celebration made the tears spill. I don't think about him as much as I use to, and that scares me. The thought of my father disappearing from my memory scares me. The thought of losing those precious memories scares me. This is why I talk about him with people, even if they don't know that he's gone. It keeps him alive in my memories. I miss him so much.... even now.... in fact, in chapel, I decided that if I could ask for anything and it would happen, it would be to have one last hug from him. That is all I really want. That is all I ever want.

There you have it... my deepest desire... the thing that I long for most and will not get while I remain on this earth.

Minor Update

So things like hitting me at the same time, or at least it likes to when I have an Organic Chemistry test coming up....

There's still this constant boy problem thing that keeps on hounding me. It seems like things don't want to give me a break, especially this. I just don't have time this week to deal with it.

Speaking of this week, I wrote down my entire plan/schedule for after classes on each day... yeah... I am not going to have a life for the next 4 days. oh well...

Today I had a chat with a friend for about 30 min. It was slightly awkward, but necessary. This same friend asked me to the Christmas banquet next week. Truthfully, I don't want to go to the function, but I know that that night will be extremely boring if I don't go.

My mind is a billion places at once, but through the grace of God, things are still working and my life is relatively peaceful. Only 16 more days until my mind will be set free to wander and wonder by its own free will...