Resolutions

Even though I don't believe in them (well, not really "believe" but more think they are impractical to make since most, if not all will be broken, since that is the general trend), I decided to make a list of things that are typically on my list of things to do:

1. go skydiving
2. continue to learn from my numerous mistakes
3. further develop my devotional/prayer routine
4. work on study habits (some more)
5. learn more about the structure of God's creation and everything surrounding it
6. remember to take it easy
7. conquer playing "Toccata in F Minor" by Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach
8. continue to look for the positives in all situations
9. rely on God through thick and thin
10. and praise him for the outcome

Figured that 10 is a nice rounded number... Hope you all have a Happy New Year!

Wisdom from James

I never really read this section the way I did last night:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

"The brother in humble circumstances out to take pride in his high position. But the one who is rich should take pride in his low poistion, because he will pass away lik a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

"When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; bet each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

"Don't be deceived, my dear brothers [and sisters]. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created."

It's easy to lose site of the things that I have emphasized in this passage. At least it's easy for me, because I have and until last night, I was feeling very sorry for myself. It's my own fault for the ways things have been going and for my emotional passivity. Hopefully (and most likely) more is to be learned as the study of James continues.

A Walk with the Dog and a Talk with a Friend

Walking my dog today, in the cold, windy outdoors, led to a need to chat with God. I haven't done that in a while, and I don't know why. Seems like my mind has been on other things and feels like there's no time to share with him. But talking with him helps to just get things out there. To make me hit a wall of sorts and come to reality once again. Again, I see myself going down a road that I have been trying to avoid. Looks like I enjoy taking detours that can make life more difficult in the future. There must be some way for me to keep myself from going those directions, even though in the end they teach me a lesson. (It's a hard and painful end to get to though...)

A brief chat with a friend today led me to think about some things. Is it bad to not have a plan for your life? Is it bad to be content with where you are? Is it bad to stick around and linger just because your friends remain to finish things they have started? Part of me says no, because that's how I would be. But the other part of me thinks that it seems to be a cop-out.

What will happen when the friends leave and move on with their life and you are left to linger, wondering what will happen next?

These are the things that make me the most apprehensive, not what other people tell me...

How Am I?

Lately I don't know how to answer that question... it's hard... Perhaps I just went into survival mode and decided not to be anything. Not stressed, not happy, not sad, not anything really... except for content, perhaps...

I don't even know. Weird, isn't it? I think so.

Today was fun. I went to a family friend's house with my mom, and we all made an assortment of different traditional dutch pasteries. It was nice, despite the fact that I got burnt by sputtering oil, but oh well, it was for the pastries... :)

It was strange though, or perhaps not, but there were a few couples there that are married, and I could just tell that they were completely in love with their spouse. It was so beautiful. It also made me just a little sad inside. There seems to be a lot of that going around lately. I'm very happy for all of my friends who have found the love of their life, it's just really hard sometimes to remember to be happy for them.

How can I say that I am content, when I want something with every fiber of my being, but feel like I am not going to find it.

*sigh*

Sorry for being melodramatic...

At a loss...

What do I do? I want him to understand why I am doing what I am doing.

He doesn't know that I still care. He doesn't know that I wish things didn't have to be this way. He doesn't know that I still pray for him. He doesn't know that I still think about him. He doesn't know how much I want to ask him about his life. He doesn't know that I want him to be at peace with the situation. He doesn't know how confused I am. He doesn't know how badly I feel. He doesn't know how much I want him to be alright. He doesn't know how hurt I am. He doesn't know that my distancing is for his sake. He doesn't know the dreams that I have had. He doesn't know how sorry I feel. He doesn't know how hard it has been for me to keep all of this to myself. He doesn't know how much I want to help him. He doesn't know how crumby this makes me feel.

So much he doesn't know... but it will continue to remain unsaid...

*Swear Word*

I am the worst person that I know, and it is beginning to catch up with me. Don't know what to do... *swear word*


That is all......

Ponderings of an Undecided Nature

Something that I have just been thinking about was how people go through difficult times in their lives. When thinking about it, it made me wonder if they are "given" those difficulties because they possess something that gives them the strength to get through it. That God knew they would be able to conquer it, and knew of the development that would occur from it.

Or....

Perhaps certain trials come that God knows we cannot handle. In doing so, then we have to call on him and draw our strength from him. God knows our strengths and our weaknesses and perhaps trials only come to strengthen our weaknesses through him.

Both of these wonderments have a positive and a negative aspect. There are lots of holes and questions...

The Ride

So life is good right now, despite the fact that my performance on the test may not have been the greatest... oh well, it's out of my hands now...

Here's an epiphany: I don't always have to do something when something is going wrong with people in my life. Let me be more specific, if there are relational issues of sorts, I can choose to do nothing about it. Don't get me wrong, if there are serious relational issues, then I would definitely do something about them. But otherwise, it's just best to wait and see how things are going to go...

I am so happy right now, and I don't even know why! Nothing out of the ordinary happened today... nothing special... in fact, I have no real good reason to be happy...

Perhaps it is the fact that I am at peace with what is happening in my life. Perhaps it is the fact that that infernal OChem test is finished. Perhaps there is something else and I just can't put my finger on it. That's ok though, because I am going to revel in the fact that I am nothing but happy right now. No worry, no anxiety, no nagging feeling, nothing.

Random Thought/Story:
I was in chapel yesterday, and Pastor Rod played the Hallelujah Chorus after his main shpeel. The shpeel was about celebration, and how heavenly celebration will be so awesome. So I listened to this song with this in mind, and I felt as though I was elevated to a completely different plane. Thinking about heaven in such a way almost brought me to tears, and then the thought of how my father is part of that heavenly celebration made the tears spill. I don't think about him as much as I use to, and that scares me. The thought of my father disappearing from my memory scares me. The thought of losing those precious memories scares me. This is why I talk about him with people, even if they don't know that he's gone. It keeps him alive in my memories. I miss him so much.... even now.... in fact, in chapel, I decided that if I could ask for anything and it would happen, it would be to have one last hug from him. That is all I really want. That is all I ever want.

There you have it... my deepest desire... the thing that I long for most and will not get while I remain on this earth.

Minor Update

So things like hitting me at the same time, or at least it likes to when I have an Organic Chemistry test coming up....

There's still this constant boy problem thing that keeps on hounding me. It seems like things don't want to give me a break, especially this. I just don't have time this week to deal with it.

Speaking of this week, I wrote down my entire plan/schedule for after classes on each day... yeah... I am not going to have a life for the next 4 days. oh well...

Today I had a chat with a friend for about 30 min. It was slightly awkward, but necessary. This same friend asked me to the Christmas banquet next week. Truthfully, I don't want to go to the function, but I know that that night will be extremely boring if I don't go.

My mind is a billion places at once, but through the grace of God, things are still working and my life is relatively peaceful. Only 16 more days until my mind will be set free to wander and wonder by its own free will...