...and the rest came...

Yesterday was a relieving day of sorts. Improvement was seen as well as a form of acceptance that I never expected to come. And the most beautiful part about it was that I didn't need to do a thing, but just listen to what she had to say. I know it's not going to be easy, but I have a feeling that it may go better this time around.

Why can't I find the rest I need?

This is going to be another sleepless night. My body is tired, but my thoughts keep on running wild. Why the hell is this bothering me so much? It's just one of those situations where you can't bear to not do something because of what may happen, but a the same time can't figure out what to do. I am so impatient for the answer that I am seeking from the Lord.

Why does this keep on going? How would something like this play into God's perfect plan?

There are so many different ways it is playing out in my head, yet I feel like the outcome would be the same everytime. Why do I get the feeling that it would be like talking to a wall? A wall that feels like no one friggin' understands what's going on and continues to dwell on it no matter what people say? People have been talking to this wall for quite some time now, but nothing helps.

I suppose the reason why I am losing sleep is because I am trying to figure out a sure-fire way to reach into someone's soul and shake it awake. To spark some conviction to change these habits. To show how silly all of this is.

But I can't do a thing, because it has to come from within... There it is. The realization that I can't do one thing to make a difference, only God can do that. Only God knows all the workings of the human heart. Only God can tear down that wall that so many people have attempted to break.

This is one of those moments when you realize how feeble we are as human beings. How little we can do without the grace of God. I know from my own life that I have no strength to stand up on my own. This, of course, is also one of those times where you recognize that only individuals can understand that when they see it in their own lives. You may believe me when I say it, but until, in your own time, you truly see it for yourself, you won't really believe me. I'll just be one of those people that "preaches" at you.

Well, whatever this is, it is by no means a sermon. Just someone letting out the thoughts that are preventing them from resting peacefully.

Lord, what do I do?

How can one effectively help a friend that has been wallowing in their despair for far too long? Perhaps I cannot be the judge of what is "too long", but isn't it a sign when the rest of the people that were affected by the same situation have moved on long ago? When they begin to forget the dates and yet your year revolves around that particularly tragic day?

It has been old for a while, but I thought they were getting over it. That sounds quite heartless, but it's wearing me and my sympathy thin. I want to continue to show sympathy and understanding, but is it too much at this point? Is it time for someone to say in a firm but friendly tone that this has gone on for so long that it is quite ridiculous? I know that I do not understand what they are going through, but heck, who can fully understand what anyone is going through?

Chances are that they think that my loss doesn't compare to theirs and therefore I have no right to say anything. There is still so much bitterness and anger, making it difficult to try to reach out.

Then there is the complaint that everyone knows what kind of problems they are facing. But how can they help that they know when you tell everyone and set yourself up for those kind of situations?

So as you can see, there is quite a predicament. Maybe I should just not say anything. If I should say something, what should I say? Yeah... I am quite at a loss for words at this point.....