[Statement]. [Question]?

Here's a song that's making a residence inside my head: "Let's Go Fly a Kite" Heard of it? Don't know how it got there, but on a day like this, it's very appropriate.

Here's a feeling that I won't be able to get over: pulling apart, limb-by-limb, a CRAWFISH Have you done this? It's quite a sickening feeling really, but after the first few things you tear off, you sort of just get over it and finish what you need to do. This crawfish was dead, so don't you worry your little head that I'm becoming sick and sadistic by tearing apart live animals. That's just awful. Any corruption that I possess, you have probably already seen, so no worries.

Here's an interesting thought: I love learning about human anatomy. Do you? It's simply amazing everything that is in the body. I would be perfectly fine with just studying how the body works for the rest of my days. The intricacies, the mind-boggling intricacies. Today, I was reading up on the respiratory system for Medical Terminology and randomly said out loud, "I really want to 'rip apart' a human body." Danielle was sitting next to me and was a bit startled by my sudden outburst. What was actually meant by it was that I would like to dissect a cadaver and see exactly how the human body is put together. Everyone grows up with some sort of notion of how it all works, but to actually see it with your own eyes... man, that would be amazing.

Here's another thought: I am a bit morbid (sometimes) without meaning to be. Have you noticed this and not told me? Just last night, while explaining what I want to do with my life to a person I had just met, I said, "Yeah, I'm looking forward to the centrifuge... and the blood." NOT INTENTIONAL mind you. Now I am sure that this person thinks I have an unhealthy fascination with blood... What was actually meant was that I am looking forward to working with specimens in a lab setting where one can analyze what may or may not be wrong with it. Again, I am not that sick.

Here's something to look forward to: tonight we're going to a Jewish Synagogue/Temple and next Friday we're going to an Islamic Mosque. You jealous? It should be pretty awesome I think. Hopefully everything goes well and it will be an amazing learning experience.

Got Answers?

There it is again... the question that has been prodding my mind for all of these months. Apparently avoiding the topic did nothing but keep me from facing the reality of things. The same feelings that were thought to have been shaken off have once again returned. It all happened so quickly too.

BAM!

Conversation done and feelings returned, with even more questions than before. It's not intentional. And it's not like these feelings can be pinned down to one specific reason, believe me, I've tried. Talking through it doesn't help. It's come to the point where it seems over discussed.

Maybe these feelings are the sign that has been long searched for.

Maybe not.

There it is again.

Now things concerning the future are also constantly running through my mind. It's funny how conversations just replay through my mind like a broken record player. To be honest, I'm quite scared about what may have to be done in several aspects of my life. It's shaking me. Shaking the foundation I thought I had. Shaking the plans that have been meticulously worked out.

Things are now riding on what happens these next few months. Pretty much the next few months will determine the future. So many 'what if's...

things that are beautiful:

~winters that are almost at their end~

~poetry flowing through your head during the morning~

~late nights with people you care about~

~the smell of melting snow~

~days where all a sweat shirt will suffice~

~songbirds on a winter morning~

~mist during a sunrise~

~playing cards with girlfriends~

~laughing about nonsense~

~laughing~

~feeling peace~

~futons for napping~

~listening to loud music and dancing~

~dancing by yourself~

~dancing with girlfriends~

~listening to the winter silence~

~acting like a fool and people not caring too much~

~genuine smiles~

~people who listen and care~

~being able to find beauty in life~

Mental Block

It sucks to see people in pain, and now I have done my fair share of pain-causing. Good job Mel. I'm determined not to talk about it anymore. Talking about it today and last night only made me realize that I have a major difficulty when it comes to expressing how I feel and what I think. And then when I told my mom about this discovery, she said she already knew. It must be really frustrating for people to be friends with me while I stumble over my thoughts and words, simply trying to get a sentence to make sense. In the end, it usually fails.

There are so many times where I just want to shout out exactly how I feel and what I think, and just go on and on and on until it's all out there. There are so many times I wish I knew what was going on inside my own head.

Communication is one of the most important things to me, especially interpersonal communication. This just makes it more frustrating, because I feel I can't even express what I want to in a clear enough manner. Even now, when I want to explain how I feel and what I think to a person I really care about, I can't do it properly. In the end, it only caused pain. All I really wanted to do was make myself clear, and now I fear that I have done just the opposite.

Shit.

too much of a blank to fill in

No words can really explain how I feel about things right now. I'd hate to say that this weekend was a bit difficult for me at times, because there were many good things in it that I'm focusing on, but still....






Yup....

to answer or to not answer, that is the question

Have you ever been asked a question numerous times, where the answer, no matter how creative you get, makes people feel awkward, think they offended you or brought up bad memories, wish they didn't bring it up? One of those questions, that no matter how you answer it or side-step it, you know they are going to feel bad about it and not know how to react? And then, when you answer the question truthfully, people say "oh, i'm SO sorry" as if you were going to start crying at the mere mention of it. And then you try to make them feel better by saying, "it's ok, really" and they strongly disagree.

Funny thing is, I always feel like I led them into a trap when they do ask me this question. It's not intentional, it's just how I keep things alive in my memory. But some people catch on to the "was", and then they ask about the "now". I still don't know how to respond properly. I hate seeing the expression people give me when they for the first time know, but only because I felt like I tricked them into asking that question, which I don't.

Perhaps I should take a poll asking what would be the best way to answer the question, because honestly, I'm still at a loss...

In other news, last night people told me that I should stop thinking about Spring and what it was like, because it's going to be a long time before it gets here. Sure, it makes sense, but that happy thought and feeling is something that I'm looking forward to, and I don't want to forget what it was, otherwise I'm just going to lose site of what's to come.

Should that possibly be our attitude all the time, especially in times of darkness? To choose to hold on to memories of the good things in a hopeful way, as opposed to bitterness for the way things are now. Sure, we don't know when it's going to get better, but that's where hope and faith that it will get better keeps us going.

If we don't have positive hope for the future, then what are we living for?

So... I will conclude with some words of wisdom from Journey:

Don't stop believin'

Hold on to that feelin'

A Simple Dream

There are many times that I wish for a more simple lifestyle or society. One where I could have a garden, live in a tree, bathe in a river, and spend most of my day simply marvelling at God's creation. For academic stimulation, I would like to study different countries, including culture, religion, language, philosophy, etc. That would be lovely to me.