Let It Go

*inhale*

Today I have come to the conclusion that I need to let it go. What "it" is are just a number of different things (situations) that have been building up inside of me these past few months. It's tiring to hold on to, and quite useless at this point.

So... time to let it go...

the anger...
the frustration...
the hurt...
the resentment...
the confusion...
the past...

It's old, and it needs to end. If I keep on holding on to the afore mentioned feelings, it's going to eat up any of the relationships that I am in, or so it seems. Yeah, people tolerate it, but it needs to end now. It needs to stop being brought up. It needs to be let go.

and...

*exhale*

thoughts over leftovers, chocolate and tea

Things that bother me a little bit:
~people tearing other people down/apart behind their backs
~people not being content with what they have, where they are and who they were made to be
~not knowing what to think about things
~short-sightedness
~seeing that I am this way too

Things I am working on:
~finding the good/joy in little things and focusing on that instead of the negative
~being more understanding of the difficulties people face
~not letting the wrong things get to me
~being more consistent

Things I realize:
~that I will fail at the above from time-to-time
~that I shouldn't let those failures get to me
~that I shouldn't let past experiences discourage me, but instead let them guide me
~life sucks for everyone at times

Things that I love:
~leftovers
~chocolate
~tea
~the above all at once
~sunshine
~thunderstorms
~playing in the thunderstorms late at night
~being held
~people

Things to do in the near future:
~laundry
~dishes
~visit Health Services (for Gen 253)
~homework
~buy my bro's birthday present

I keep on coming back to this point:

What is it that makes me hesitate from showing that I care for other people? All people? There's something that holds me back. It's ok if it's someone that I'm comfortable with, someone that I can easily talk to and not feel awkward around. Seems to me that it's a fear that some people will expect things out of me that I won't be willing to give more than once, more than that one time that I should step outside of my comfort zone and show a person that I care, and that they are wanted and loved.

It's hard to love freely. Again I am staring into the faces of God's beloved children who are hurting or alone and refusing to give them love that all people should feel. Something is holding me back. Part of it may simply be fear of hurting them worse when I can't give them that love whenever they need it. Another part of me hopes someone else will take up the burden that I feel in doing this so that I won't have to go through with it.

How awful, right?!

It's heartbreaking to see hurt from rejection in the eyes of these people. It's even harder to put myself in the position that would be willing to reach out to them. People need people, no matter who the person is. It's one thing if they decide seclusion for themselves, it's another if it is thrust upon them by the very people who claim to be in a community, a Christian community at that.

Christ himself brought those rejected people into a community. It may be very obvious, but the very root of the word "Christian" is Christ, which means we should be doing what Christ did, right?!

Then why is it so hard? and frustrating? and angering?

*sigh*

Of course... human-nature...

But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. And that doesn't mean I should give up on doing such things, even if it is difficult and against everything I want to do.

Boy, I wish things like this were so much more simple...

Feelings and Thoughts as of Late:

...spring break was quite wonderful, and I really can't ask for it to have gone anymore perfectly...

...getting back into the swing of things at school is pretty difficult, but necessary... only 7 weeks left!...

...perhaps I should get started on writing that paper...

...there is a lot to do before the summer starts...

...despite the business to come, I feel very relaxed and ready to take things in stride...

...I am happy (not that I wasn't before...)...

...it is quite a sad day when you can see the bottom of your Jelly Belly container...

...Death Cab for Cutie's Plans album is one of the best albums ever...

...worrying about what people may think is quite exhausting and really not worth it...

...walking around outside with only the use of a sweatshirt to block the cold is a wonderful feeling...

...to use a cliche: BRING IT ON LIFE!!!...

..."love is watching someone die"...

Magical Walks, Hindu Talks and a Question Mark Remains

Somewhat by myself in a somewhat dark room... I purposefully did this. Spring break so far has been exactly what I needed. It's not so much time to think as it is time to be. Time to be at peace with life, time to be with people I care about, time to be away from the stresses of every-day college life.

We (Alvin, Joel, and I) went to a national park a couple days ago. The place put me under this spell that I think is still somewhat affecting me. There were so many feelings and thoughts running through my head. I felt like a child and was fantasizing about being a wood nymph, and imagined seeing little gnomes and fairies playing in the trees, puddles, snow and ice. I realized that I was looking at the ground a majority of the time, but this wasn't out of depression or whatever, it's just that the ground was so intriguing. (This is perhaps the first time in a while that I have been ok with looking at the ground.) It made me feel close to the earth, feel short, feel like I did so long ago as a child back home in one of the parks or the mountains. I felt so at home, even though home is miles and miles away; it was wonderful. Also, I couldn't help but relate this nice little walk to a journey of sorts, a journey where I didn't want to look back for fear of seeing it as less magical than what it was, and because of that, I didn't look behind me, I didn't try to relive a particular moment or feeling, I just let it be what it was and enjoyed the quiet moments I had to myself in the park. I would call our trip to the park a silent retreat of sorts. No one felt a need to talk to anyone, and everyone was ok with going their own way and keeping space from one another.

Later that evening, we all went to downtown Des Moines and walked around for almost 2 hours. It was nice. It made me realize that there's a certain dynamic to our group, at least from my point of view. We're all ok with doing whatever the other person wants to do. I don't recall having that with past travelling experiences. It's quite nice.

Yesterday we went to a Hindu temple. It was amazing and the temple was absolutely beautiful. It's also cool because the three of us are all in the same World Religions course, which had gone over Hinduism at the beginning of the semester. It's sort of funny, because they have all of these shrines to various gods, but they believe that all the gods are the same god, just reincarnated in multiple different ways. So here's the ultimate question: are Hindus monotheistic or polytheistic? I'm still trying to figure that one out, and I suppose it's all up to personal interpretation of what they believe (which we could never understand anyway without becoming Hindu and living in a Hindu community).

Funny fact #1: While at the temple, we talked to one of the priests, and we're pretty sure that we accidently told him we are Buddhist.

Funny fact #2: Later that evening, we watched Michael Clayton with two of Joel's friends and the phrase "I am Shiva the Destroyer" came up a couple times throughout the movie. Plus Alvin was wearing a Shiva shirt. (For those of you who don't know, Shiva is one of the gods in Hinduism). So yeah... yesterday was all about Hinduism.

Finally, today I went to church with Joel's family. I'm not quite sure on what to think or feel about it yet. It did drive a point home to me (surprisingly enough) about Christ's love, but that should probably be elaborated on at a later time...

The Quest for the Ultimate Jelly Belly Combo

A few days ago, I received a 4 lb. container of Jelly Belly jellybeans. I was in awe to say the least, and life has changed ever since. Just yesterday did I decide that I should do something semi-productive with these Jelly Bellies, and it came to me... I should find the ultimate Jelly Belly combo! I know, it floored me as well. Of course, one needs to take into consideration the fact that people have different tastes in what they like and what they don't like, so I suppose that this is simply a personal quest.

Here's what I got so far:

• lemon rootbeer
• peach coconut orange sherbert
• pink grapefruit island punch
• plum pear
• cinnamon watermelon
• tutti frutti rootbeer
• green apple vanilla bean
• berry blue blueberry wild blackberry
• lemon watermelon strawberry daquiri
• strawberry chocolate
• black licorice vanilla bean

So far I think that the pink grapefruit island punch and the cinnamon watermelon are my favorites, but I still have a ways to go.

If there are any suggestions for amazing combos I should try, please write them on a slip of paper and put them in the suggestion box. Perhaps I will give Jelly Bellies to the suggestion that I approve of upon taste test... hm...

Peace out!

Life is so good...

This time of year is absolutely divine. One can easily tell that spring is in the air. The bite of the wind is losing its sting. The grass is making a valiant effort to fight through the snow. The sun shines brighter than what has become normal. The pavement replaced the sheet of ice for a walking surface. The melted snow puddles glisten in the sun's light. And the birds are consistently outside to sing a merry little tune to anyone who chooses to listen.

Back home, this feeling and atmosphere would have been here for over a month, but better late than never, right?... But perhaps spring is more appreciated after this sort of winter, at least it is for me...

Even so, when it snowed only three days ago, it didn't bring despair. The snow was quite beautiful, because it merely floated down in the way snow ought to. It was like a snow globe, and absolutely breath taking to watch in light of the lampposts. Also, it was easier to remember that winter cannot last forever, since there have already been evidences of it in weeks prior.

It's this feeling that makes me want to dance, sing and smile all day long. I love it. I can't help but be bubbly and hope others share this same feeling.

Plus, life in general is taking a turn for the better. My brother visited this weekend, and it was just nice to see him and hang out with him for a little bit. I am more confident about things in my mind. And a general feeling of pure contentment and happiness has replaced the cloud of doubt and anxiety. Now all that's left is to be patient for other things.

YAY LIFE!!!

The Cruelty of Mankind [myself included]

This is something I wrote down last night while in the library:

'ever had to restrain the urge to roll your eyes? multiple times?! it happens a lot while eavesdropping on conversations.... especially the matter of Praise and Worship...

-You going to Praise and Worship?
--No
-No!? I'll pray for you...

*blech*

-repress rolling eyes now-'

Thinking back on the entire scenario, that was very condescending. To think that I am any better than the person who said this, gosh, what an ego. Humility is something that is in short supply, especially in my life.

Who am I to even think that I am better than the person next to me?

Who am I to think that the people I associate myself with are supreme to all the other people I could spend time with?

To step outside of myself and see that, I felt very ugly. Ugly as a person, as a human-being, as a child of God. How can I even call myself that?... especially after the things that I think about fellow image-bearers?

I'm not down on myself or anything, just a little disappointed... The higher you are, the farther you fall...