...even though it is still Winter, the warmth of Spring lies deep within my heart...

As I was walking from the Campus Center tonight, two simple words came out of my mouth... "thank you". This was directed toward God. See, things have been quite interesting since my return to the tundra, and I was not quite sure if things were ever going to change for the better. Last week they finally did. Life was able to move forward again, instead of remaining in a stand-still mode. It was such an overwhelming experience that joy just overflowed from the deeps of my being. Every part of me wanted to jump and dance and sing and shout and express all that I felt. Things with two people that mean/t a lot to me are finally sorting themselves out. Sure, an incident a couple days later put me into panic mode again, but after talking to numerous people about the happenings in my life, I am once again at peace and in a state of true contentment with a pinch of restlessness.

Just the other day, perhaps it was yesterday, while sitting in Zoology class and thinking about things that I have been thinking about a lot as of late, a moment of sheer excitement and anticipation for spring came from within. It was amazing. Remembering what spring is like just put me into a better mood, momentarily shaking off the shadow of winter. There was still a sense of uneasiness though, which had been making a living in the pit of my stomach for several days prior. I was actually a bit nervous, because I was planning on meeting with a friend of mine, whose opinion I trully respect. But I was scared to meet with this person, because I knew they would tell me what I needed to hear, and I didn't know what to expect. Well,... the meeting occurred and went better than I could've asked for. It was wonderful. Once it was all done, peace flowed it's way throughout my soul, touching the places that have been starved from any sense of harmony.

Truth is, I am quite blessed with the people that I have in my life here at Dordt. They are so supportive, so caring, and so willing to help me through my numerous problems. Who am I to deserve the love of so many wonderful people?

Actually, as I was mozying my way back to my room, contemplating reasons for my major lack of motivation to work ahead, or even motivation for the things that I need to work on for tomorrow, and pondering if I am even made out for this field of study, it occurred to me... I am not. There is no way in hell that I can make this on my own. For some people, this all just comes naturally, but me, I have to work and struggle and that is going to lead to some very emotional and frustrating times. but.... it can be done, not on my own, but through daily prayer for the motivation and strength to do what needs to be done. God has to be my strength through this, because honestly, I'm not cut out for it. I love learning this stuff, I love doing the labs, I love seeing how marvelously intricate this world is. This is what I want to do, but I can't do it alone.

The past is behind me, but even so, it is a constant reminder that scares me everyday. It scares the core of me. It scares me to the point of wanting to give up already. But this is exactly why I need God's help.

Because I can....

*squeal of irrepressible joy*

So... the smell of cigarette smoke is quite amazing. Reminds me of a lot of amazing times that I have had, places I have been, and people I have known.

*suppression of the urge to jump up and down, while smiling quite cheezily*

I traveled about 100 ft. in over a foot deep of snow, and it was quite amazing, quite. I just wanted to jump up and down, and roll around in it.

Haven't felt this way in over a month and a half (ever since a certain incident that will remain unnamed.)

Welp, that's it for now! quite....

*cheezy smile*

And... We're Off!

Tonight I had another conversation with a friend who meant/means a lot to me. I didn't quite know what to expect as I agreed to chat, and needless to say, I was trembling quite terribly... It was something that was unexpected.

This entire scenario only lasted about 5-8 min. and it was done. After this person left, I cried by myself for an entire 5 min., silently. It was done. Finally. The tears were a mixture of pain being re-experienced for the last time and relief that it was finished. Life can move on now, as it should. The last bit of anger and resentment has finally eased away.

Hopefully now, this person will realize what needs to be done, and do it. I keep on praying that it'll all be alright. That God will lead. That God would comfort. And finally, I see an answer to these prayers. I am quite thankful, and now I can move on, which is what I have been wanting for so long.

This is being written with a smile of contentment, knowing that things will be alright. Now on to the next step...

...and so it goes...

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
Its just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

...

Wish I could write words like these... it shows exactly how I feel about things as of late.... beautiful song and lyrics...

Winter of my Discontent

People said that this semester is going to be different. I didn't believe them until today. Not different in the obvious, we-have-different-schedules sort of way, but friendship dynamic.

Apparently a lot of stuff happened over Christmas break that I was unaware of. Nobody likes to tell me things, or really talk to me about things, or like to talk to me and confuse the heck out of me. It's really quite frustrating. I just want to say....'What the hell?!'....well, there it is.

Certain things are upsetting me, and perhaps they shouldn't. Perhaps they're the way I want things to be. So why this discontentment?...

...don't know...

Filibuster [of sorts]

Right now, at this very moment [and for the past few hours], I want to see someone. Someone in particular. I can't really say that I miss people right now, because I don't really want to go back to school yet, but I do want to see this person.

Don't really know why...

I keep on going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth... for the past few months... [it's a wonder that I'm not seasick.]

My mind keeps on changing, and hearing things helps to change my mind.

Honestly, I don't know what I want or what I need. A few vague ideas come to mind and are rather important to me, but other than that...

One moment I think I know what I need to do, then the next, the decision has changed.

This would be why I haven't really done or said anything these past couple months, in hopes that the answer would come in one way, shape or form, and that there would be no question whatsoever that that was the right way to go.

I really just want to talk it out with this person, but I don't know if that would be appropriate since I feel we are just surface level friends at this point.

Constantly, it's being given over to God, and I trust in him, but there seems to be no answer to the prayers. One day I think there is, the next it seems so far from it.

*ugh*

Sometimes I find myself wanting to say certain things, but catch myself just in time.

This seems to just be dragging out... I keep on hoping time will reveal an answer, but it's been such a long time it feels, and nothing seems to be any clearer than when it began.

...

I feel silly.

P.S.

As I was watching 'Dead Poets Society', the line "I'm not a cynic, just a realist" was delivered, and I thought it was funny/ironic, considering the line below the title of this blog. (Keep in mind, I had never seen this movie before 2 nights ago...)

Musings and Observations

Yesterday was all about feet for me... this morning, my mother treated me to a wonderful pedicure at this salon that runs along one of the rivers in Eagle (just outside of Boise). From there, we went shopping, mainly to peruse and see what could be found, and I found 8 pairs of shoes. The story behind this one is that, my mom and I went to the Kohl's just outside Eagle, Meridian and Boise and she got me three pairs of shoes that I've been "needing" (as in, my everyday shoes were being worn out and needed replacing and my dress flats don't exactly fit, so yeah...). Then we went home and did some stuff and then went to Costco and thereafter, to the Kohl's in Nampa. The intention was just to look for my mom and see what we could find, but I ended up finding 5 pairs of shoes for no more than $6 as the most expensive pair. Amazing... I bought these, since my mom bought what I needed and these were beyond that... All that aside, I won't be needing shoes for a while... :)

***

Since I have been listening to the radio again, it has come to my attention (once again) that the radio stations play the same songs over and over. It's rather irritating. But then I thought, 'I love listening to Death Cab for Cutie, and it never gets old, no matter how many times I play the album.' This led to me realizing that I am beginning to grow weary of music that is unoriginal in melody, lyrical value and the like. Who should I give credit for doing that to me? Many of people I suppose. Now the next step is finding other music to listen to...

***

People confuse the heck out of me. They are so complex, which can be a blessing and a curse, for many of different reasons. This makes things very difficult to figure out...

***

'Dead Poets Society' is a phenominal movie. It hit on a lot of the things I had been thinking about for the past couple of weeks/months. Loved every moment of it...

***

There are many days where I wish we would all speak more eloquently and lyrically, with the use of good vocabulary. The romantic idealist inside would love to escape into one of the world's that Jane Austen or Alexandre Dumas had created through their writings. Perhaps this is why I enjoy watching and reading 'Pride and Prejudice', 'Sense and Sensiblity', 'Count of Monte Cristo', and others among them.

*deep sigh*

Too bad it can only be a dream inside of me...

***

That is all for one evening...

Incoherent Individual Railroad Cars of Thought

Don't know what to think about things, especially about the way I think or feel about things. Make sense? Probably not...

Concern for how members of my family are doing are beginning to seep in...

Wondering about people is constantly on my mind...

Apprehensions pertaining to the future and how things will work out keep me awake at night...

Spending way to much time on the computer is not a good thing...

Perhaps I try too hard and care too much...

Today just got off on the wrong foot I think...

hm...

Something to Think About While Starting the New Year: the Importance of the Moment

Life is such a precious thing, but unfortunately, it is so often taken for granted. Easy to do though, and everyone has done it. I have done it.

This thought shouldn't make us stop living though. We are not to become misers of the moments that we have, because they are so fleeting. We should, instead, seize the moments that we have and bask in them, taking it all in with our eyes, ears, hearts, minds and souls wide open.

I first had my real taste of experiencing what life should be like in the last few months before my father's death. He became a model for me and my family. As hard as it was to see his life slowly dwindle down, it was absolutely beautiful to see how he lived. When the diagnosis was made, I believe he made the decision to live it up. Not in the way where one does all of the crazy things they always dreamed of doing, but in a 'seize the moment' sort of way.

One of my personal favorite memories is just playing football with him in the park with my brothers. He made an utter fool out of himself, dancing around and smiling after he had picked himself up from tripping. It didn't matter who saw him. There was such a twinkle in his eye and an overall goofiness in his demeanor. The sun and the trees only added to the beauty of the moment, which is now only a recording that replays itself in my mind. That memory always brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes, even now. It is a perfect representation of taking in the moment.

Tomorrow was never certain for him, but what makes us think that it is certain for us? The fact is, it isn't. Sure, we expect to wake up in the morning, usually with groaning because of the hour, but it is still not for certain. We don't know. So what's keeping us from living like he did?

James did a good job of emphasizing exactly this by saying, 'Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.'

What a mist we could be if more people basked in every moment, soaking it in and appreciating it for what it was...



.................................



But as idealistic as that may sound, a reality check comes along and brings me back from the elation that the thought brings.

Still, if I could, I would encourage every person to think about this more frequently. Life is fatal, and what will be left when you are gone is the imprint of what you chose to do in the moment.