My Existence

Generally, I am not happy with myself. Not just one aspect either.... There's so much to it, and there's no way of making this sound like I don't hate myself, which I don't, I'm just unhappy with how a lot of things are going.

I hate writing the word "I" so many times. It makes me realize that I am losing sight of all the other people out there. There are so many other people, and I love to talk to them about the good and the bad that is going on in their lives. I love asking them how they really are doing, and being there for them when they need to let everything.

I hate that I like to talk about myself. Talk about all of my problems. Then I expect those people that I am making listen to all of this to help me and give me advice. How silly and selfish.

I hate being subtle about the things I do say about myself, and then when people ask I don't really want to say, because they are really paying attention. I don't want to say because then I feel like I tricked them into asking me about it, so it's not necessarily a genuine concern.

I hate not being genuine and truthful. Like when I tell the same story twice, but it's always got a bit of a difference, making it sound worse than what it really is.

I hate that I let things slide. I don't take care of myself, my relationships with people, my developing relationships with people. I feel too worn out to care about what my actions may mean. I feel too tired to constantly keep my gaurd up against sin. I feel too drained to continue working on my own spiritual battles.

I hate seeing myself go down a road that I never thought I would travel down. I have been making choices that are of my own sinful indulgences. This only shows that I have given up on caring about it, for the time being.

I hate knowing exactly what I need to do to get out of this hole that I am digging for myself. My attitude, my drive, my character has taken a dip and just levelled off there.



....the count: 35 uses of the word "I"....

..."Fond, but not in LOVE"... [just some simple, disconnected thoughts]

This quote fascinated me a couple nights ago, while I was in an interesting situation. I forced myself to remember it, for whatever reason, I don't know, but I did anyway. People should contemplate this I think, though it is pretty straight forward...

I am still feeling a bit queezy from a couple nights ago, but then again, that was entirely my own fault. I hope my appetite reappears soon...

It is Sunday, and I still haven't done a lick of homework. Oh yes, I am aspiring to achieve...

Current decision I have made (which may or may not be fair to the other party involved): I am going to do nothing about the situation until after Christmas break when I have had time to myself to contemplate things, and in the words of Alvin, "hash it out". (Then again, no one knows what tomorrow may hold, and then I may have to take action)...

Somewhat connected to the previous thought, there's just so much mystery that surrounds all of this. I keep on praying about it, but who knows what answers may be in store for me...

Speaking of prayer, today the pastor preached on prayer, and he said something that truly struck me. He said that the answer to prayer may not be the changing of God, but the changing of us. Constantly praying about one thing or another may lead us to be okay with the fact that we cannot have something, and when we receive the answer that we have so desired, it is a blessing, but one that we have come to the point where we could have been content without. Interesting, no? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one...

I received an e-mail from my mother today, and she sent me a picture that she took of my birthtown from the last time she visited. I thought that it would be nice to share this picture with you folks...

This is something I realized after saying the 4th point... I am an unfair person. I guess the reason for me not to do anything is a perfectly selfish reason. But also, it is because I have no idea of what to do, and I feel if I did anything now, it would only screw things up. Taking some advice from Treebeard, I don't want to be too hasty...

Another interesting thought, someone asked me what happened between me and Zach for about the millionth time. I gave this person the same answer I give every person, also expressing my frustration with not knowing why, which is part of the reason I think I'm still/was angry with Zach. But then he said something to me that just struck me... Sometimes people just feel like it's not going to work out. Looking back on the situation surrounding the break-up, it all sorta' makes sense. I think that little grain of insight was all I really needed to be okay with it all...

But now I feel like I should apologize to Zach for being kind of unkind to him these past couple weeks. Would that be a stupid thing to do?...

I think I've spent more than enough time on this post at this point, but these are the thoughts that have been going through my mind as of late...

and.... ACTION!!!

Today is the day where I am deciding to take action, or begin the steps toward taking action.

Last night was quite awful, but then when I talked to some friends, they decided that they would pray for me. All I told them that this past weekend was awful, and that's all that they needed to hear. It makes me appreciate Dordt so much more.

After talking to them, I went up to my room, and cried for a whole of 5 min. and it was done. Can prayers be answered before they are uttered? I can't say, but all I know is, that I am at peace with the struggles that I am facing. It's all in God's control and has been from the get-go.

This is not to say that I expect all of this to be easy, all of the action that needs to be taken. That's not how life is, and it's not realistic to think that way. But now it's just a matter of determining what to needs to be said and how to say it.

I have a feeling that that will come with more prayer, and an extra measure of trust in God.

And it all started with wanting some punch.....

So this weekend proved to be quite an interesting one, and not the kind of interesting that would put one in a good mood. Details are not necessary in order for me to express my true feelings about what is going on. Many of these feelings are the similar to what previous blogs have asserted, but this weekend led to a colliding of these emotions. I think right now I'm emotionally unstable anyway... But no matter.......

First Expressed Frustration:
I think I've decided that I am sick of being angry with my ex. I'm just holding on and holding on to whatever bit of anger that I still have, and it is eating at me and beginning to affect my experiences with other people. I don't want to be angry, but for some reason it's still there. I don't have feelings for him anymore, so why am I holding on?

Second Expressed Frustration:
I am still caught in the middle about this entire new guy stuff. Yes, there it is, I admit it, there's another guy. But people keep on telling me things, and these are people that are close to me and to him. I am growing quite tired of not being able to do what I want to do, which would be to go wherever I want to without worrying about who may be there. It's truly getting to me, and I am sick of it. I am sick of hearing that I shouldn't go places or whatever. Well, I am not necessarily hearing this, but I feel the subtle hints. Whenever they see it, I know what they are thinking. It makes me a bit angry.

Third Expressed Frustration:
I am not going to do anything about the previous frustration this semester. People don't understand that. People don't understand that I am not going to date anyone for a while, until I am ready. But they seem to be thinking that I am leading him on. Well, if I am, it is unintentional. And the method they are proposing that I use to stop it is not in my taste. I don't like being passive aggressive and I don't like ignoring people that I like, even if they are just friends. I won't do it. I would much rather just talk it out with that person, then to let them learn the hard way. It would be easier, I think.

Fourth Expressed Frustration:
Then again, it may not be all that easy for him to truly understand that I don't want anything right now. People tell me that I need to be blunt. Ok, I get that, I'm not stupid. But I'm still hung up on getting people's approval........

Fifth Expressed Frustration:
I just want this semester to be over with. That will give me the opportunity to recover from all of this. It is really getting to me now, and this past week has been nothing other than thinking about this and everything piling on top of it. I can't think about anything outside of this. I can't focus on my homework. I can't sleep properly anymore. And today I realized that all of this is causing me to lose my appetite. This sort of cycle happened last year, but right now I'm at the point where I don't want to do anything about the 3 afore mentioned frustrations because it will just add more stress and all I want to do is to make it through this semester.

I am growing weary of all of this...... My energy is draining........ Please just make it all stop........ my thoughts, my anger, my frustration........ make it all go away............

....................................................

One thing that I am not worried about is the fact that it is not out of control. This would be because God is working in this situation. I am constantly giving it over to Him, because I know that I am not able to handle it. Keeping this in mind helps me to relax just a bit, and I am so grateful for it.

Insight

The past few days I have been wondering why I have been feeling the way that I have been. Just 15 minutes ago, the answer came to me. It was a moment of realization: God was working through the situation and through me. The reason for these feelings was the answer to the prayer that has been in my mind and heart for the past couple weeks.

Something had always been bothering me about the entire situation, and the answer that was being searched for presented itself. That was all that was needed for me to understand why I felt this way. It's amazing and truly a blessing from God.

On a less lighter note, lack of motivation is seeping in from all corners, dragging everything down. I'm just not in the mood to deal with certain things, homework being the primary thing to be dealt with.

Also, the entire trapped/being-swallowed-whole feeling is coming back, and is much harder to shake, but I'm dealing with it.

But despite the current moodiness I have been facing, the first topic discussed has put me in a less moody state of being.

(Things are going to remain vague on purpose....)

Dear Lord and Savior,

I am in such a state of frazzlement. I feel pressure coming at me from all angles about one thing, and I feel as though I'm going to implode once again. This is all so stupid, since nothing is happening... but something is happening... something I am not ready for. Something, that the more I think about it, the more it scares me.

I don't want to enter into something without knowledge, without the right feelings, and without the feelings being directed in the right way. I am so uncertain about so much, all the more indication that I'm not ready. So... what do I do?

Do I pretend that nothing is happening?, which nothing is happening... but something is happening.

Do I address this issue?, is there an issue to address?, would this just create more problems?...

Do I wait it out and see what happens?, but I can already see what may possibly happen....

I feel if I don't address it, things are going to get worse all around.

Lord! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! Please guide me in your wisdom, lead me in your truth. Take this situation, I am placing it in your hands.

It's about to tear me apart, please hold me together. Please give me the strength.

I know that I am self-centered in asking all of this from you, but what else am I to do? You tell me through your Word to lay all of my anxiety on you. So is this wrong?

I just want to cry, Lord. I just want to sleep this all away. To not have to worry about spending too much time with this issue. To be able to have fun and enjoy the time I have with this issue.

I don't know what to do... please help me...

In your most awesome and Holy Name,

Amen

In whom shall I confide?

Well, as of late, I have been realizing that I don't feel like I can confide in someone heart-to-heart... which is difficult for me, since I tend to have one thing or another going on that I would love advice with.

So why not friends?
Because I feel like we all need a break from one another, and that my problems are a bit trivial compared to theirs. They'll probably say that it's untrue, but I feel otherwise.... People get a bit touchy around this time of year for various reasons: stress, weather, being sick of school, needing to leave, the list goes on.... Plus I hate explaining the entire situation to them, and what exactly happened, and what the response was, and such and such, and so and so.... It's a lot of work, and I don't want to impose.

So why not family?
I do, but not everything. When it comes to people problems, they would have to know the person instead of having me explain it all. Makes the entire situation a bit tedious...

So why not this blog?
The internet doesn't give much of a response. It's like talking into a dark, empty chamber; the message is uttered and echoes for a little bit then fades to be forgotten forever. Yes, there are people who read this and give me their comments of reassurance or whatever, but it's such a shallow way to communicate what is going on inside. [I'm a bit of a hypocrit, I know...]

So why not God?
That would be ideal now wouldn't it? Yeah, I know.... He knows me best, He knows what's going on, He is always listening, He is never distracted, He cares about me, He loves me,... Yes, I know all of this. I've just let him take a backseat to my life again. I don't talk to him much anymore. Plus it's just so hard to talk to someone, some entity, some supernatural, all-powerful being, that doesn't talk directly back. Alls I want is a direct answer on what to do, alls I want to see is the reaction, alls I want to know is that he is there listening 100%. Well, the last statement is silly, because I know he is always listening, plus that's where faith comes in, huh? I don't doubt his existence, his presence in my life. But who can say that they never wanted direct answers from him? I have been wanting them for such a long time, but I never seem to get them. There are people that claim that God told them this or that, and they seem convinced in their own mind. I'm a bit of a skeptic where those are concerned, but that's nothing against them.

I just need to get my ass in gear again, and work on my relationship with God.

Spasmodic Angst

So, today was not all that nice at points. I am trying to be patient with various different things, and I feel that if I have to be patient with one more thing, I may implode.

On the side, I feel like I am pushing people away from me right now. How, I don't know... Perhaps it simply just over-exposure to me. Perhaps it's the things that I say. I don't know, but no one is really willing to talk about it. They just pretend that it's ok. Frustrating...

It's interesting, because these are the same people that force me to talk about what's going on. I honestly don't care if they tell me that it's me. I'd rather have that, then what I feel is happening now.

Maybe I'm just paranoid. Or maybe the lack of discussing what's wrong is leading to my paranoia. Or maybe I'm just overanalyzing the situation. (Which would probably end up being the case.)

I just need to let things go. I found out just the other day, that I am still angry about things that happened in my last relationship, even though I told him everything. We've been broken up for over 7 months now, and it's still eating me. There are still questions gnawing at the back of my mind. ........Just let it go.......

While I'm at it.... I am sick of things not working out. Things that I feel should not be that big of a deal, that are actually quite simple, are not working out.

*gr*

This is such a sporadic blog, which only shows how tired and frustrated I am. I'm afraid further behavior like this will only sooner lead to an implosion. But despite all of this...

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth." 1 Corinthians 13:4-6

There is the answer to my problem.

Freedom

Well, after I finished writing the previous blog, I decided to play some piano to see what would happen. Personally, I wan't all that thrilled to practice in the first place, but I prayed on my way downstairs that God would help me. Just a simple one sentence prayer to change my attitude.

The result was amazing. It's like the keys broke lose my chains of lethargia. I feel awake, despite the sleepiness that surrounds me. I can once again focus; the foginess is gone. There is once again warmth in my fingers. The compression of the world around me has lifted.

Strange how well that worked actually....

I discovered this last semester that the lack of piano/choir/music-making was part of my problem last year, but I didn't realize how dynamic of a difference it would make.

It seems to me that for a lot of people (especially around here), playing music makes them feel better. It enables you to think outside of yourself. To be constructive. To show emotion. To become alive.

Hm... I feel a little silly now... but I'm glad. Thank you for your prayers.

Swallowed Whole

These past couple of days have just been weird for me; I don't quite understand it all. I feel like the change of weather has made me slip into a more lethargic state, which scares me. This was the first symptom that I felt last year during this time, and it did not lead down a good road. I can feel myself slipping into the bad habits that I've been working so hard to shake off.

The air here feels so closed off. I can't see the sun go down. I don't see the beautiful terraine of mountains. I'm searching for the beauty in this, but it's so hard when the wind blows and you have to look down in order to see where you are going.

I feel restricted. Like I can't do what I want to. I can't feel what I want to. It's weird, because no one has told me anything, I just expect their reactions to be against what I want. Perhaps I'm just paranoid then....

My body seems to be screaming for mercy right now. All the stress of this year is building up in my back, and there is no release.

*sigh*

I don't even want to finish this blog now, so maybe later.... (this would be the entire attitude that I'm fighting against....)

Please pray for me........

Simple Pleasures

I have resolved the following:

1. to let things take their course
2. to trust in God that he knows what He's doing
3. to appreciate things about Iowa that are easily overlooked
4. to love all the people I encounter with the same love of Christ
5. to try my best in everything
6. to let go of my failures and short-comings
7. to forget to think about what people think
8. to enjoy every moment
9. to live a life worthy of Christ
10. to breathe deep the air that surrounds me and all the sweet fragrances it holds
11. to hold my breath when the smells are not so sweet
12. to treasure the moments that I have with people that I love
13. to laugh hard
14. to look up
15. to see beyond the surface of things
16. to understand
17. to learn as much as I can
18. to dance like nobody is watching
19. to move to the rythm of God's drum
20. to not back down
21. to finish this list

But, as much as I may resolve to do any of these things, whether it be one or the entire list, I know that I will fail in one way or another. It's human nature, and I'm bond to it just like everyone else on this earth.

Evenso.... this list is a list that I have subconsciously made for myself throughout these past few months. This list is a representation of what I am working on in my life. This list is a representation of what God is doing in my life.

Of what God has helped me to realize.

Of what God has been reminding me to do.

Of what God wants me to do.

I hope to look back on this post in times to come, and be reminded of the things that I may have forgotten. Be reminded of the work the Almighty has done. And to be comforted in the fact that He can change people, even me.

Tea in a Mailbox

Well, once the O.Chem test was finished on Friday, things got so much better really fast. I was just able to breathe and to enjoy life once again. Hearing other people play music at a studio class was such a blessing. Talking to people who I don't usually talk to was just wonderful, especially since some of them helped me through my really tough night. Chillaxing after dinner was just wonderful. Reading a book for fun in the Bean just made me feel at peace with the world. Talking to Phil in the Bean just was a cherry on top of a wonderfully relaxing day.

But at the same time, there was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. There was something else I needed to do, but couldn't for the life of me figure out how I wanted it to happen. Well, I had an ideal way I wanted it to go, but I wasn't going to hold my breathe on it all happening that way. Plus it didn't help that I wasn't all the excited to do this in the first place. In fact, I wanted to do the exact opposite of what I needed to do. I wanted to say the exact opposite of what I needed to say.

.......

But through many hard conversations with different people, they all seem to agree that right now I'm not ready for the opposite. Admittedly, it put me in a foul mood a couple times. Plus I was very confused at the same time, which didn't help. What I needed to do and what I wanted to do were at war with one another, and it made things confusing. I knew it would be for the best, and that maybe one day the opposite would happen, but it's just so hard to wait.

*sigh*

Well, long story short, I managed to do what I needed to do. Through much prayer and an extra measure of faith, it was accomplished. Now I'm struggling on figuring out what to do about it. Do I do anything? Perhaps I should just let it be for now...

*sigh*

That would be best for now I think. Except I will continue to pray about it, and perhaps one day it will be time.

I am not usually this negative, but timing is everything...

So, today sucked in everyway possible, but the details as to why it sucked are not so much as important as the thoughts that followed the actual events...

Pretty much, I feel like an absolute failure. Even worse, I feel like the person who lets everyone down. Like I don't have my act together. I see it in people's eyes, especially professors. I'm either too indecisive, don't get things done in a timely manner, make up excuses for why I don't get things done in a timely manner, or just seem so stupid that I'm not worth their time. It may be quite possible that this is all in my head, but I don't think so....

It always seems that when I work harder at one aspect and think the others will be ok, they end up not being so ok, so then I need to work harder on the lacking aspect and then the original aspect fails. Does that make sense? It does to me....

I just can't get it together, and it's the most terrible feeling ever.... I hate disappointing people, not reaching their expectations, not being who they think I am. And it's not so much that I don't know what to do, I just choose not to do it. Yeah... I guess that would be stupidity, huh?

Another thing contributing to this downer, first post is that it feels like I am not able to do what I want, in the areas of my life where I think I am allowed to do what I want. There are certain pressures for me to follow, even though it's completely against what I even want to do. I absolutely hate that feeling. The only reason why I don't do what I want is because deep down inside, I think that other people know what's best in that situation and that I'll regret it if I don't do it exactly the way they want me to. Another thing is that if I tell those people the way I did it, if it's different from the way they wanted me to, there's the entire disappointment that I read behind their eyes, and it makes me feel like I should go fix it for whatever reason. But right now, I'm close to the point where i want to say "FUCK OFF!" It will only be a matter of time before I pull that one out again.... *sigh*

There's just so much to life, and it seems like today was the day when it all decided to collide and make things a little stressful. But despite all the pressures of today, I know that God is still working in me, giving me the strength I need for this exact moment. People do not know what is best for me, but God does, and I am going to choose to follow his will. And while I am at it, I am going to bask in the beauty of the thought that this is all only temporary, and at the end of life it will not matter. All that will matter is if I did what I could and did it all to the glory of God. That makes me feel so much better.... :)