...even though it is still Winter, the warmth of Spring lies deep within my heart...

As I was walking from the Campus Center tonight, two simple words came out of my mouth... "thank you". This was directed toward God. See, things have been quite interesting since my return to the tundra, and I was not quite sure if things were ever going to change for the better. Last week they finally did. Life was able to move forward again, instead of remaining in a stand-still mode. It was such an overwhelming experience that joy just overflowed from the deeps of my being. Every part of me wanted to jump and dance and sing and shout and express all that I felt. Things with two people that mean/t a lot to me are finally sorting themselves out. Sure, an incident a couple days later put me into panic mode again, but after talking to numerous people about the happenings in my life, I am once again at peace and in a state of true contentment with a pinch of restlessness.

Just the other day, perhaps it was yesterday, while sitting in Zoology class and thinking about things that I have been thinking about a lot as of late, a moment of sheer excitement and anticipation for spring came from within. It was amazing. Remembering what spring is like just put me into a better mood, momentarily shaking off the shadow of winter. There was still a sense of uneasiness though, which had been making a living in the pit of my stomach for several days prior. I was actually a bit nervous, because I was planning on meeting with a friend of mine, whose opinion I trully respect. But I was scared to meet with this person, because I knew they would tell me what I needed to hear, and I didn't know what to expect. Well,... the meeting occurred and went better than I could've asked for. It was wonderful. Once it was all done, peace flowed it's way throughout my soul, touching the places that have been starved from any sense of harmony.

Truth is, I am quite blessed with the people that I have in my life here at Dordt. They are so supportive, so caring, and so willing to help me through my numerous problems. Who am I to deserve the love of so many wonderful people?

Actually, as I was mozying my way back to my room, contemplating reasons for my major lack of motivation to work ahead, or even motivation for the things that I need to work on for tomorrow, and pondering if I am even made out for this field of study, it occurred to me... I am not. There is no way in hell that I can make this on my own. For some people, this all just comes naturally, but me, I have to work and struggle and that is going to lead to some very emotional and frustrating times. but.... it can be done, not on my own, but through daily prayer for the motivation and strength to do what needs to be done. God has to be my strength through this, because honestly, I'm not cut out for it. I love learning this stuff, I love doing the labs, I love seeing how marvelously intricate this world is. This is what I want to do, but I can't do it alone.

The past is behind me, but even so, it is a constant reminder that scares me everyday. It scares the core of me. It scares me to the point of wanting to give up already. But this is exactly why I need God's help.