I am not usually this negative, but timing is everything...

So, today sucked in everyway possible, but the details as to why it sucked are not so much as important as the thoughts that followed the actual events...

Pretty much, I feel like an absolute failure. Even worse, I feel like the person who lets everyone down. Like I don't have my act together. I see it in people's eyes, especially professors. I'm either too indecisive, don't get things done in a timely manner, make up excuses for why I don't get things done in a timely manner, or just seem so stupid that I'm not worth their time. It may be quite possible that this is all in my head, but I don't think so....

It always seems that when I work harder at one aspect and think the others will be ok, they end up not being so ok, so then I need to work harder on the lacking aspect and then the original aspect fails. Does that make sense? It does to me....

I just can't get it together, and it's the most terrible feeling ever.... I hate disappointing people, not reaching their expectations, not being who they think I am. And it's not so much that I don't know what to do, I just choose not to do it. Yeah... I guess that would be stupidity, huh?

Another thing contributing to this downer, first post is that it feels like I am not able to do what I want, in the areas of my life where I think I am allowed to do what I want. There are certain pressures for me to follow, even though it's completely against what I even want to do. I absolutely hate that feeling. The only reason why I don't do what I want is because deep down inside, I think that other people know what's best in that situation and that I'll regret it if I don't do it exactly the way they want me to. Another thing is that if I tell those people the way I did it, if it's different from the way they wanted me to, there's the entire disappointment that I read behind their eyes, and it makes me feel like I should go fix it for whatever reason. But right now, I'm close to the point where i want to say "FUCK OFF!" It will only be a matter of time before I pull that one out again.... *sigh*

There's just so much to life, and it seems like today was the day when it all decided to collide and make things a little stressful. But despite all the pressures of today, I know that God is still working in me, giving me the strength I need for this exact moment. People do not know what is best for me, but God does, and I am going to choose to follow his will. And while I am at it, I am going to bask in the beauty of the thought that this is all only temporary, and at the end of life it will not matter. All that will matter is if I did what I could and did it all to the glory of God. That makes me feel so much better.... :)